The Immediate Context Of History
by marciaplome
Summary: Preadministration, Jed rushes to Leo’s side as he recovers from injuries resulting from being shot down and the aftermath. Light slash, heavy angst.
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Immediate Context of HistoryAuthor: Marcia Plome  
Fandom: The West Wing  
Characters: Jed/Leo, Jed/Abbey  
Rating: Mature for language, allusions to a m/m relationship, and violent references  
Disclaimer: The West Wing, its characters and storylines are the sole property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Bros. and NBC Television. What follows is for entertainment purposes only and no copyright infringement is intended.  
Spoilers: Major for events seen in flashback during "An Khe"  
Summary: Pre-administration, Jed rushes to Leo's side as he recovers from injuries resulting from being shot down and the aftermath.  
Warnings: Angst, very major angst. Slash, but well within a Mature rating.  
Archive: Absolutely, just let me know.

Jed hurried through the doors to the reception desk, his carryall still slung over his shoulder. "Excuse me, I'm looking for Leo McGarry. Can you tell me which room he's in?"

The receptionist looked up from her magazine and consulted a folder on her desk. "Fifth floor. Ask at the nurses' station."

Jed punched the elevator button repeatedly, unaware of the attention he was attracting from staff and other visitors. When the doors finally opened, he slumped against the back wall for the short ride up. The flight from London had given him time to imagine the worst, and now, minutes away from his lover, he hoped reality would ease those fears.

He stopped at the nurses' station and asked again, "I'm looking for Leo McGarry. The receptionist downstairs told me to ask here."

"Third door on the left, 507," the young woman answered, without having to consult a list.

Jed thought he saw a flicker of something in her eyes as she pointed down the hall, but he didn't have time to ponder what it was. The door to the room she'd indicated was open, and Jed was standing there looking in before he'd even really processed her directions.

He felt his chest tighten with his first glimpse into the room. There was so much medical equipment surrounding the bed that the patient wasn't immediately visible. Jed could feel the heightened awareness of the adrenaline coursing through his body as he stepped closer. The rhythmic beeping of monitors and the steady whoosh of the respirator seemed to be setting a cadence to his steps as he arrived at the bedside. He took a deep breath to try to calm himself before looking at the man lying there, and was assailed by a sweet, unrecognizable tang in the air. He finally looked down and was flooded by a massive sense of relief. This poor guy, covered in bandages, with tubes everywhere, this guy wasn't Leo! Leo had always been on the lean side, with a build like the wrestler he was, but the occasional picture he'd enclosed with a letter showed him even thinner than he'd been when he'd left for Vietnam. The man lying in the bed was heavy, his face and fingers puffy. He was blond like Leo, but the resemblance didn't extend past that.

Jed stumbled out into the hall, the adrenaline back, pounding through his head until he heard buzzing around his ears. Two men were walking towards him in Air Force uniforms with lab coats on top, and Jed was positive, based on plenty of nights spent studying in the doctor's lounge while Abbey was on call, that they were both physicians.

Hurrying up to them, he asked again about Leo, "Excuse me. I'm looking for my friend, I was told he was in 507, but that's not him."

The two of them stopped their conversation and one of them asked, "What's your friend's name?"

"McGarry. Leo McGarry." Jed had waited days to leave London, and hours on the plane, but it was the minutes here in the hospital that were the hardest.

The doctor who'd answered Jed looked at his colleague. "We haven't put anyone else in 507, have we? McGarry made it through the night?"

The younger man nodded, "As far as I know, yes sir. He's touch and go, but I was on call last night, and his condition hadn't changed."

The older doctor looked back at Jed, "Come on, son, let's go take a look." The three of them went back into room 507 and the two doctors exchanged a glance. "Captain Leo McGarry, right, that's who you're looking for?"

Jed nodded, not understanding the tone underlying the doctor's question.

"I'm sorry, young man, but this is Captain McGarry," the doctor said apologetically. "He's in pretty bad shape, I'm sure he doesn't look like himself."

The adrenaline that had been there before now surged through Jed's every nerve ending, burning like liquid fire. Stepping closer to the bed, he stared down, trying to resolve the unfamiliar features of the man lying there into the ones he knew with every fiber of his being. His vision swam before him, things suddenly blurry, and then the light from the window caught a silver chain around the neck of the man lying in the bed. Jed reached a shaking hand to touch the chain. It was a St. Christopher's medal, and though it slipped through his fingers twice, he managed to turn it over. Engraved on the back in tiny letters, he could read, "Be careful and come home. JB".

"Oh Leo," he breathed, and then the air was gone from his lungs like he'd been hit with a battering ram. Rushing out, he ran for the nearest bathroom, collapsing on his knees just in time to throw up what little he'd been able to force down on the flight over. He stayed there, hunched over the toilet dry heaving for some minutes before he heard a gentle tap at the door. "C'min," he managed.

The nurse who'd originally told him which room Leo was in opened the door a crack. "I'm sorry sir, the doctors were concerned. Are you all right in here?"

Jed felt like he was never going to be all right again, but telling her that, when the hospital was full of people with far more tangible problems, seemed inappropriate. "I'm sorry, I just…" he trailed off, unsure of how to explain that he hadn't even recognized his best friend, his lover, the man who meant the most to him in the world.

"Don't worry about it. Gangrene has that effect on people pretty often actually. We even have doctors get sick from the smell once in a while," she admitted.

The word 'gangrene' hit Jed's empty stomach like a shot of bourbon and he leaned over the bowl again as another spasm of retching tore through him. It hadn't been the smell that had made him sick before, it had been the horrible feeling that he'd somehow betrayed or abandoned Leo the one time he actually needed Jed to be here for him. But he knew what gangrene meant and the implications of what that would mean to Leo had him sick again.

The nurse waited until he was finished and then handed him a paper towel and a cup of water. "He probably won't know you're there, but if you want to go sit with him, it can't hurt." She gave him an understanding smile and left him to collect himself.

Jed made it to Leo's doorway, still somewhat lightheaded. How could he not have recognized him? He knew Leo's body better than he knew his own, as well as he knew Abbey's, how was it possible he hadn't known him?

He took the last steps into the room and stood by Leo's bedside. The St. Christopher's medal had been inarguable proof, but Jed took the time now to look closely, to discover how he'd been able to miss his lover in the first place. His mind flashed to an image he'd clung to over these last months, Leo, sprawled across his bed, covered in a sheen of sweat and post-coital glow, but flawless, his eyes sparkling and his grin the one he saved for Jed alone. He'd been so alive in that moment, and contrasting that man to the one lying in the hospital bed had Jed's eyes stinging and his breath caught in his chest.

He wanted to touch him, to offer Leo his presence for whatever comfort that might bring, but was afraid that he might hurt him, afraid of somehow making things even worse. Jed looked him over, trying to find a patch of skin not bandaged or bruised. Leo's blond hair was the only thing that looked right, and even that was greasy and mussed. Obviously no one was wasting time and effort trying to wash his hair given everything else going on. There was a cut above his left eye that had a butterfly bandage on it and a bandage across his right cheek. The tube taped into his mouth ran to a respirator which took up one entire corner of the room, the steady rise and fall of its bellows almost hypnotic. The machine stood as the single biggest sign that Leo lay somewhere between life and death: its very presence a testament to his inability to even breathe without intervention. His lips were chapped and split, and dried blood crusted over some cuts. His whole face was swollen and puffy, giving him the look of someone much heavier, and the primary cause of Jed's confusion before. Although, he admitted to himself, it had been as much hope and denial as anything else. His subconscious had been prepared to offer any alternative to it being Leo lying there in this condition. Jed let his gaze travel down, Leo's dog tags and St. Christopher's medal lay on his chest, the blanket was only pulled up to his waist, and wires connected to various monitors stuck to his chest. His arms were by his sides, IVs taped into both hands. Jed loved Leo's hands, but the swollen fingers and dirty nails he saw were a far cry from the hand Leo had splayed across his chest their last time together, its tapered fingers and neatly trimmed nails a tangible reminder of the hold the man had on him. The bandages winding tightly from Leo's chest to his hip were bright white and stood out in sharp contrast to the pale, washed out tone his skin had. A tube snaked from beneath the blanket to a bag hung on the bedrail, and Jed knew Leo would hate the catheterization the moment he became aware of it. He could only hope that was soon. That left only the leg in Jed's inventory of Leo's injuries, and he'd purposely not looked too close. The leg was on top of the blanket, splinted and bandaged, but even beneath them Jed had a strong sense of something he couldn't exactly define. Just a sense of wrongness, that everything else came back to this. There were red streaks leading from below the bandages up towards Leo's knee and down towards his ankle. The whole leg was grotesquely swollen, like a tomato that had gotten too ripe and might split open at any moment, and Jed imagined he could see the heat radiating off of it. The nurse had said gangrene, and that had to mean that Leo was at real risk of losing the leg. Jed collapsed into the chair, as much his legs giving out as a conscious decision to sit. Deciding that Leo's shoulders were free from bandages or other medical accouterments, he reached out to lay his hand there. Even as he touched him, Jed brought his hand back. Though he'd known, consciously, that Leo wouldn't react, it was something altogether different to confront his subconscious with that bit of reality. In all the years they'd known each other, Leo had never once failed to respond to Jed's touch. That he didn't do so now did as much to cement the seriousness of the situation in Jed's mind as any of the more visible indicators. He put his hand back and stroked gently with the back of his knuckle. Leo was hot, but where Jed had expected him to feel clammy, instead he was dry, unnaturally dry, like the moisture was being baked out of his skin. Everything was wrong, and though he knew this was Leo, Jed still felt like he was somehow a stranger. "Hey Leo," he began, unsure of what to say, feeling awkward talking to Leo unconscious like this, but not knowing what else to do. "It's going to be okay, I'm here now. You just rest, man." He tried to communicate both with his words and his touch that he was there, that Leo could trust him to take care of things and just let his body heal. Jed looked at him lying there, so still, so unnaturally still. Leo was never still, he was always fidgeting with a pen or smoothing a fingernail or tapping a shoe. Even asleep, and Jed had watched him sleep countless times, he twitched, shifted, and kicked. To watch him now, the only movement the steady rise and fall of his chest as the respirator forced air in, made Jed wonder if that certain something that defined Leo was even still in there anywhere. Jed believed his presence would be a beacon to that part, and wherever he'd slipped off to, Jed hoped Leo knew his friend and lover would be here standing guard until he found his way back.

Leo had given him an envelope, just before he'd left for Vietnam, with strict instructions that Jed wasn't to open it unless something happened to him over there. He'd been tempted on several occasions just to see what it contained, but Leo had made him promise, and Jed was faithful to that promise, despite his intense curiosity. He'd opened it before the staff car had pulled away from the curb after they'd come from the embassy to inform him that Leo had been shot down. Sitting here now, he flipped through the contents again, mentally categorizing each item. The letter explaining things was still on top, and Jed skimmed it, Leo's words echoing in his head made all the more painful by the fact that his friend lay in front of him, a machine breathing for him, and his voice silenced indefinitely.

"Jed,

Here's hoping you hand me this letter back unopened and never get a chance to see what's in it. But if you're reading this, I guess something pretty ugly's happened over there."

This was ugly, Jed agreed to himself, casting another quick look at the broken man in the bed before him.

"Enclosed you'll find all the legal stuff you need to act as my next of kin. You'll also find my will and a list of assets, should you need either of those. It should be obvious, but I know how stubborn you are, so I'll put it in writing: If you're taking care of me, or making arrangements for my care, use my money. Same goes for executing my estate, should it come to that."

Jed remained impressed by how well Leo had planned for this possibility. All the documents were here, signed and notarized, making him Leo's agent. He hadn't looked at the will yet, he hoped he wouldn't have to, but Leo's painstaking attention to detail was obvious in everything else. The demand that Jed not use his own assets for caretaking was so typical of Leo, and though the implication that he wouldn't be able to manage it annoyed him, he appreciated the thoughtfulness and foresight.

"I'm supposed to write letters to the people closest to me telling them how I feel so they'll have something to hold on to if I don't make it back. I've tried, but I just couldn't get that on paper. I'll try again from over there, but for now, tell Josie and Elizabeth that I love them and that they'll have three angels looking over them now, so they'd better behave."

That was so Leo, even his last words to his sisters a reminder of his expectations for them, as much a parent as a brother. Jed would have to call them soon, and though he didn't have to pass on Leo's message, he had no idea how he would tell them about their brother's condition. His eyes flipped back to the letter, knowing what was coming next.

"Tell Abbey to take care of you for me; I know she will. Jed, I wish I had the words to tell you what you've meant to me, but I've tried, and I don't, so I'll just say this – Everything good about me is because of you. I've loved you with mind, body, and soul and I hope I've never given you cause to doubt that."

Jed blinked to clear the tears that appeared every time he read that section and swallowed hard before reading the last bit.

"I've left some specific instructions about what decisions I want made about my health on the next page, but you know me as well as I know myself, so if there are decisions to be made, just ask yourself what I'd want and you'll make the right ones.

Yours,

Leo"

Leo's faith in him was humbling, and Jed only hoped he would be worthy of it. The next page was brief, just a paragraph that Leo didn't want to be kept alive beyond the hope of recovery and a reminder that he favored risky treatment that offered hope for a normal life over more conservative options that would guarantee his survival. Jed squeezed Leo's shoulder, a silent promise to do everything he could to see that these instructions were followed. His thoughts were interrupted by a gentle knock on the doorframe.

Turning, he saw the doctor from before standing in the doorway. Jed had been so focused on finding Leo then that he hadn't noticed anything about the man beyond the fact that he was a doctor who might be able to help him locate his friend. Now though, he took a moment to consider him. He was older, Jed guessed late fifties or maybe early sixties, tall and built solidly without seeming heavy. His hair was silver, and longer than most of the military haircuts Jed had seen here, though still quite a bit shorter than his own. He wore wire-rimmed glasses and Jed noticed the look around his eyes that he'd seen on Abbey a few times when she'd come home from a very difficult shift.

Jed stood as the man entered the room.

"I'm Col. Hester," the man said, extending his hand to Jed.

Jed shook his hand, "Jed Bartlet."

"I wanted to be sure you were all right, you looked pretty shaken up before. I'm sorry you had to find Captain McGarry like this," the doctor continued. "I take it you two are close?"

"I'm his," Jed paused, trying to find a way to put words to their relationship that would communicate his right to be here, "best friend," he finished, painfully aware of both how incomplete that description was and of his uncertainty that he was even worthy of the title given his actions here so far.

"I see," Dr. Hester replied. "Well, we're doing everything we can for him." He looked at Jed for a moment before asking, "If you don't mind, how did you come to be here? Captain McGarry's only been here two days and we haven't even seen his family yet."

"I am his family," Jed answered, "or close enough. His parents are both dead and his sisters are minors. Can you tell me how he's really doing?"

Dr. Hester hesitated, seemingly torn between his obligation to his patient and trying to be open with the man who so clearly cared about him. "I'm sorry, I really can't discuss his condition with anyone but a family member."

Jed reached into the envelope he was still holding and withdrew the form that gave him Leo's power of attorney. "You can discuss it with me," he said firmly, handing the piece of paper to the doctor.

Col. Hester took the page from Jed and studied it. He paused and looked thoughtfully between Jed and Leo's still motionless form in the bed for a moment. Finally, he nodded. "It appears that I can. Captain McGarry must think very highly of you, to trust you with this. Most of our patients are satisfied with the professional judgment of the medical establishment." He handed the power of attorney back to Jed before adding under his breath, "Whether or not that's justified." Coughing slightly, as if to cover his last comment, he put his hand on Jed's shoulder to guide him out of the room, "Let's go to my office, and I'll explain where things are with your friend."

Jed stiffened, he didn't want Leo out of his sight at the moment. "Can you just tell me here? I, well, I just don't want to leave him right now."

Col. Hester shook his head, "I don't want to have this conversation in front of him. He's hooked up to enough machines that if anything happens, the alarms will go off and we'll know. You can leave him alone for a little while."

Jed swept his hand back across the room, a gesture that encompassed Leo lying there and all the machines and monitors, "You think he can hear us, like that?" His voice cracked on the last word, betraying his feelings.

"I don't know what he can hear right now. I've had patients tell me they heard conversations while they were unconscious, so it's possible he can hear us, yes. And if he can, I don't want what he hears to be us discussing how grave his condition is, and I don't think you do either," Col. Hester said, looking expectantly at Jed.

"No," Jed conceded, "no I don't. But I don't want to find out something's gone wrong by hearing an alarm blare either. Please don't ask me to leave him right now."

Something changed in Col. Hester's expression, "No, I shouldn't have asked you to do that. Come stand in the hall with me, you'll be able to see him from there and we'll be out of earshot."

Jed accepted the compromise gratefully, moving to stand just outside the doorway. At least with Leo in view, Jed's imagination couldn't make whatever Dr. Hester had to tell him any worse. He took a breath and steeled himself for what he was sure would be devastating news. "My wife is a doctor, I know what 'grave condition' means. Tell me the specifics," he said, making eye contact with Col. Hester.

Dr. Hester paused for a moment, looking one more time between Jed and Leo before he spoke. "Very well. The most pressing issue at the moment is an infection we haven't been able to control. He landed badly after ejecting from his aircraft and there was a compound fracture to both the tibia and the fibula of his left leg. That would be serious under any conditions, but it was left open and unreduced for three days. We're attempting to get the cellulitis under control, but he's already got gangrene in the area of the wound. His distal pulse is strong, and he has good perfusion to the foot, so there's still some hope for the leg. We've reduced the fracture, but setting the bones will require surgery, and he's just not stable enough for that at this point. We're debriding the wound, and trying to contain the gangrenous areas. He also fractured three ribs punching out. That's not unusual, but he didn't need it given everything else. We can't do much for that except keep him immobilized, which obviously isn't an issue at the moment. The RESCAP met with resistance from an NVA platoon, and Captain McGarry was shot in the abdomen. It was a through and through shot and they closed it before sending him here. Other than that, you can see there are some cuts and bruises, but they're of no consequence." He took a moment, as if measuring how much more to say, and then went on, "The biggest concern we have is the infection. Everything else is secondary to that. If we can't get that under control, the leg and the ribs won't matter. I'm told he was unconscious for more than a day on the ground over there, and except for a brief period of consciousness on the chopper that got them out, he hasn't been conscious since. His fever was well past 103 for days. You said your wife is a doctor?" He waited for Jed's nod before continuing, "Then I probably don't have to explain that a prolonged fever like that can impact brain function. We won't have any way to judge that until and unless he regains consciousness."

Jed finished listening to him catalog Leo's injuries, and asked the question he knew he had to, regardless of how afraid he was of the answer. "What are his chances?"

Dr. Hester looked over Jed's shoulder at Leo, and then made eye contact with Jed as he answered, "Right now, I'd say 30-70 he makes it. The longer he's unconscious, the worse things look, and that 30-70 is that he lives, not that there are no lasting effects from the infection. Vancomycin is the biggest gun in our arsenal, if we can get the infection under control today or tomorrow and then deal with that leg, things could look dramatically better by next week. On the other hand, if he's still unconscious or if his fever goes back up, well, that would adversely impact his odds. He's a fighter, he wouldn't have made it this far if he weren't, but the next few days will tell us one way or the other."

Jed absorbed the words, trying to mentally record the conversation so he could review it with Abbey later. As far as he could tell though, he hadn't heard any reason for Leo to be on the respirator. "I'm sorry, one question. Why do you have him intubated? You didn't say anything about a lung injury."

Col. Hester nodded, "He was breathing on his own when he arrived, but he went into respiratory arrest twice yesterday morning before we got the fever down, and I decided the risks associated with the tube were easily offset by the effects of oxygen deprivation if we didn't catch an arrest in time, or if there were any complications getting him breathing."

Jed swallowed hard, respiratory arrest, meaning Leo had stopped breathing, not once but twice and who knows how many more times it might have happened if it weren't for the fact that they had a machine breathing for him. Every time he thought he'd come to terms with the situation, something else got added to the list. He hoped they were at the end now, he didn't know how much more he could take. Even as the thought occurred to him, he winced, it wasn't about how much he could take, it was about how much Leo could, and Jed feared that wasn't much more. He struggled to find words to respond to Dr. Hester, but as it happened, he didn't have to, a nurse Jed hadn't seen before hurried down the hall and interrupted, "Excuse me Colonel, but Captain Drake asked if I could find you for a consult on Sergeant Wilkes."

"Of course, Lieutenant, I'll be right there. Mr. Bartlet, sit with your friend, and remember what I said about him being able to hear you," Col. Hester said before hurrying down the hall after the nurse.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: The Immediate Context of History  
Author: Marcia Plome   
Fandom: The West Wing   
Characters: Jed/Leo, Jed/Abbey   
Rating: Mature for language, allusions to a m/m relationship, and violent references  
 Disclaimer: The West Wing, its characters and storylines are the sole property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Bros. and NBC Television. What follows is for entertainment purposes only and no copyright infringement is intended.   
Spoilers: Major for events seen in flashback during "An Khe"  
 Summary: Pre-administration, Jed rushes to Leo's side as he recovers from injuries resulting from being shot down and the aftermath.   
Warnings: Angst, very major angst. Slash, but well within a Mature rating.   
Archive: Absolutely, just let me know.

Jed stepped back across the room to Leo's bed, bothered but not surprised that Leo hadn't moved at all in the time he'd been speaking with Dr. Hester. Hester's less than subtle hint that he talk to Leo seemed like an order, but he really didn't know what to say. He was too tired to be creative, and one-sided conversations were awkward under the best of circumstances, which these obviously weren't. "I'm back. Just stepped out for a minute to talk with your doctor. He seems like a good guy. He says you'll be okay when they get your fever down." Jed tried to go on, but just couldn't think of anything to say, so settled for saying the rosary, one hand fingering his beads and the other on Leo's shoulder.

When he finally came back to himself enough to look at his watch it was after five, and he knew he needed to call Abbey before it got any later. He stood slowly, stretching out the kink in his back from having sat for so long. "I'm going to go call Abbey. I'll be back in a little bit." He instinctively waited for a response, knowing even as he did so that it was irrational.

Jed stopped at the nurses' station to ask where to find a pay phone. This wasn't going to be an inexpensive call, but Abbey needed to hear from him, and he needed her input about Leo. Shutting himself into the small booth, he put the call on his American Express and waited for her to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, sweetknees." Her voice was the best thing he'd heard all day and a refuge from the strangers who'd given him nothing but bad news.

"How is he?" she asked, getting straight to the point.

Jed had held it together all day, enduring one emotional blow after another, but that question from her was all it took to open the floodgates. "Abbey," he started, and then just broke down and sobbed, one hand still holding the phone to his ear while he braced an elbow against the glass wall and dropped his head into his hand.

She made small comforting noises over the phone, and while Jed wished she were with him to hold him up through this, he was comforted by the fact that she was taking care of things in London so he could be here.

When he got control of himself again he tried to apologize, but she wasn't having any of it. "He's your best friend, and then some, and I can only imagine how hard this is for you. How bad is it?"

Jed paused, trying to figure out how to tell her, knowing that the news was going to hit her hard, after all, she cared deeply about Leo as well. Finally, he decided to admit what he couldn't tell anyone else. "Abbey, I – I didn't," he swallowed the bile that had risen in his throat, before finishing in a hoarse whisper, "I didn't even recognize him."

"Oh Jed," her voice conveyed her understanding of what that admission must mean. "What do the doctors say?"

There were times when having an almost eidetic memory was a bad thing, like when it enabled one to mentally replay, over and over again, the exact tone of the doctor's voice as he gave you the details about your lover's condition, but it did make it fairly easy to recount said details for Abbey. He could hear her scratching notes on the pad of paper she kept by the phone.

When he finished, Abbey was silent for a moment before asking, "How are you doing?"

"I, well, I haven't really had time to think about it," he responded. Taking a moment to let the question process, he added, "I feel so out of place here. It's all military people, even the nurses, and I just don't belong. I don't even know what I'm doing here."

"You're speaking for Leo, Jed, that's what you're doing. You know that," Abbey answered.

"Yeah, I know," he conceded. "But Abbey, there are so many machines, so many people, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do."

"Just be there for him, love. He needs you to be strong for him right now," she responded.

"I'm trying. The doctor told me to talk to him, but it's hard to find anything to say to him like this. I just keep praying he'll wake up soon," he said.

There was an odd silence on the line before she answered. "Jed, you understand he might not, don't you?"

"Don't say that!" he exclaimed, "I can't even think about that right now."

"You need to consider the possibility. The doctor told you Leo hasn't been conscious in days, they've got an infection they haven't been able to control, and he's been running a high fever all this time. That can do damage to the brain that's irreversible. Ask yourself if Leo would want to live like that," Abbey said gently.

"He wouldn't, you don't have to tell me that, but there's no way to know yet, is there? He might still be okay, right? The doctor told me if they can take care of the infection, then Leo's odds would be a lot better." Jed's tone hovered between arguing and begging.

"Better than where they are now still isn't good. You know I'm praying just as hard as you are for him to come through this and be himself, but you need to prepare yourself in case that doesn't happen," she warned.

Jed doubted that anyone was praying as hard as he was, but if anyone could be, it was Abbey. "I know you are," he said, "but I just can't let myself think like that. Looking at him in the hospital bed like that, it would be too easy for me to start saying goodbye, and I can't do that," he tried to explain.

Abbey didn't argue the point, she just went on, "Be sure he knows you're there. Think about how much better you'd feel to have him there if the situations were reversed. Even in his condition, just knowing that you're there will probably be a source of immense comfort to him."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Jed asked bitterly. "He's unconscious, with tubes running in and out of him and hooked up to every imaginable machine."

"His doctor is right, I've heard of patients hearing things while everyone thought they were unconscious. So talk to him, but also touch him, hold his hand, squeeze his shoulder, whatever you can get away with," she suggested, "just remind him that you're there and that he's not going through all of this alone."

"I guess," Jed agreed. He couldn't handle that line of conversation any longer and changed the subject to a happier one, "Is everything okay there? How's my Lizzie?"

He could hear the smile in Abbey's voice when she answered, "She's great. She misses her daddy. I just gave her a late bottle if you want to say goodnight."

Jed grinned, it was impossible to let the gloom take over when he thought about his daughter, "Yeah, I'd love to."

There was a short pause as Abbey walked over to the crib, and then he heard her tell Liz, "It's Daddy, baby. He wants to say goodnight."

Jed waited a second, but not hearing anything from the other side he went ahead, "Hi Lizzie, it's Daddy. Are you being good for your mommy?"

He heard a sleepy Liz voice one of the very few words she knew so far, "Da?"

"That's right, it's me. I'm staying with your Uncle Leo for a little while, but I miss you." He could hear her breathing on the other end, but she didn't say anything, so he just added, "I love you Liz, you go to sleep now. Goodnight."

Another second and Abbey had the phone back, "That was sweet. She's all but out, curled up in her blanket."

"I wish I could be there to kiss her goodnight, to kiss you both goodnight. Are you sure you're okay on your own?" he asked.

"We're fine," Abbey reassured him. "Don't worry about us, you just be there for Leo now. Have you called Josie yet?"

He hadn't, though he knew he had to shortly. "No, I wanted to talk to you first. What in the world am I going to say to them?" He'd called from London to tell Leo's sisters about him being shot down and promised to call again after he'd seen him, but he just didn't even know where to begin that conversation.

Abbey took a breath, "Tell them that you're there with him. Tell them that you've talked to the doctors and that they're doing everything they can. Let them know things don't look too good, and remind them to pray for him."

"Leo wouldn't want me to scare them. You know how he is about them," Jed reminded her.

"Jed, this is one of those times when you might have to overrule him. Don't scare them needlessly, but don't give them false hope either. They need to start preparing themselves for what could happen," she replied.

Jed processed that for a moment, he was going to have to be the one that made decisions for a while. He couldn't follow Leo's lead this time, and whatever consequences those decisions brought would be his to live with. He squared his shoulders, bracing himself for the new responsibilities. "So do I," he admitted.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, and he knew it wasn't an apology for pushing him to accept the reality of Leo's chances, but rather an expression of sympathy for what that realization meant.

His throat tightened, and he coughed slightly to clear it. "I should probably get back to him," he said, "but thanks, I needed this."

"Whatever happens, Jed, at least he'll have you with him," she offered.

It helped, some. "Yeah," he said, unable to keep the emotional fatigue that had overwhelmed him from flattening his tone. There was nothing else to say.

Her response made it clear she realized that fact as well. "I should let you go," she said, "I love you. Kiss Leo for me," she told him.

"I love you too," he replied. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, love." Jed heard the click as she hung up.

He walked back to Leo's room and found Leo's condition seemingly unchanged. He stood next to him for a moment and gently stroked his forehead. "I'm back. I was just telling Abbey that they're taking good care of you." He looked through the door to ensure no one was lurking in the hall. "She wanted me to give you this," he said, before placing a gentle and, he hoped, discreet, peck on Leo's unbandaged cheek. "There's more waiting when you're up to it, okay, old friend?" Jed whispered, as he sat down again in what he was beginning to consider 'his' chair with his hand gripping Leo's shoulder.

He was still sitting there when the nurse that had checked on him in the bathroom earlier came in. Seeing Jed in the chair, she introduced herself. "I'm Lieutenant Ferguson. I'm going to check his vitals."

"I'm Jed Bartlet. I'm Leo's best friend," he said, again aware of how incomplete that moniker was.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Bartlet," she answered, getting straight to the business of checking on Leo.

"Um, call me Jed," he said automatically, trying to decide if he wanted to stay for this. Nurse Ferguson was a small woman, not much taller than Abbey, and with the build of a dancer. Her auburn hair was cut short in a bob, and she wore wire rimmed glasses. Her movements were sure and confident but her touch seemed gentle, and Jed decided instinctively that he could trust her alone with Leo. This would be a good chance for him call Leo's sisters without leaving Leo by himself for too long.

"Hey Leo, I'll give you two a moment alone. I have to call Josie, but I'll be back in a minute," he said, letting his fingers slip off his lover's shoulder as he returned Nurse Ferguson's smile before leaving the room.

He got Josie on the phone and filled her in, trying to stay optimistic without sugar coating the facts. He knew she and Liz couldn't afford to fly out and honestly, at least at this stage, there was very little point. He had Leo's power of attorney and was there acting as an advocate. Everyone had said their goodbyes before Leo left for Vietnam, knowing all too well the possibility existed that it might be their last. Bringing them here now, when he wasn't even conscious, would serve no point but to try them emotionally, and Leo wouldn't want that, Jed was sure.

He was surprised to find Nurse Ferguson in the chair next to Leo's bed when he returned. She smiled at him when he walked in, "I just had the feeling you wanted someone here with him. I had a few minutes before I had to check my next patient, so I thought I'd wait for you."

Jed thanked her, adding, "I know it doesn't make sense, I just keep thinking he might wake up and not know where he is, I don't want him to be alone if that happens."

She nodded, "I understand. Once in a while we get a patient in here that's just special, seems like the Captain here might be one of those." She smoothed Leo's blankets and then went on, "I'll be back after a while to run these checks again."

Jed sat down, marveling at Leo's ability to pull people into his influence even in this state. "Josie wanted me to tell you that she and Liz are both doing well. She says not to worry about them, to let them worry over you for a change." Having passed along the message as he'd promised, he leaned his head up against the edge of Leo's bed, "Come on, Leo, come back to me."

"Sir, excuse me," Nurse Ferguson was gently shaking him by the shoulder.

Jed woke slowly. "Call me Jed, my father is sir," he said groggily. Getting his bearings a bit more he apologized, "I'm sorry, I guess I dozed off there. It's eight hours later my time."

"That's all right, I'm sorry to disturb you, it's just that you're right where I need to be to check a dressing," she answered. "Where are you from?"

"Manchester, New Hampshire, but I'm in graduate school in London right now," he said, standing up to stretch stiff muscles and get out of her way.

"Graduate school for what?" she asked, while continuing to check on Leo.

"Economics," he replied. "I'm working on my Ph.D. I've finished my coursework, but I'm still gathering research for the dissertation."

She'd moved to Leo's other side. "That's an awfully long trip, even for a best friend," she observed.

"I guess," Jed admitted, "but I didn't want him to have to go through this alone. I've got his power of attorney, and I thought I should be here in case there were decisions that had to be made."

She paused for a moment, "That's very noble of you." After taking a moment to scribble in Leo's chart, she asked hesitantly, "Listen, do you have a place to stay?"

"Er, I'm sorry," he fumbled, caught completely off guard by what he thought she was offering. "I'm, um, I'm married. I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea. I've got a baby daughter at home, and I'm really not looking to jeopardize any of that." His face was warm, and he knew he was blushing.

She laughed, and Jed wasn't sure whether to be embarrassed or relieved. "I'm sorry, it's Jed, right?" He nodded. "Listen, Jed, I wasn't propositioning you. I only ask because I know that visitor chairs make lousy beds. My roommate is the admitting officer for the temporary officers' quarters here on base and I think there are enough empty billets right now that we could slide you in, if you needed a place to get some sleep and a shower."

"God, I'm sorry. You must think I'm an idiot." He certainly felt like one. He'd never been able to talk with women, and he had the horror stories to prove it. This one would certainly go on the list, and the only good thing about Leo not being awake was that at least there hadn't been any witnesses to his humiliation. She was right though, he obviously wasn't going to be able to stay at the hospital indefinitely. "To tell you the truth, I hadn't even thought about it," he admitted to her. "I was pretty focused on getting here and after I did, well," he trailed off.

It was obvious she understood the implication, though he hadn't been able to voice it. "It's all right."

"So do you offer rooms to every visitor that comes through here?" he joked, trying to recover from his earlier gaffe.

She smiled, and jabbed back, "No, just the ones I expect are going to haunt the place. I know how Europeans can be about personal hygiene, and I figure people will thank me if you manage to get the occasional shower."

He ducked his head, acknowledging her point, but found he suddenly felt much better about the care here, between her and Dr. Hester, Leo would get better, Jed knew that he would. "I think I might take you up on that, if you won't get your friend into trouble."

"It'll be fine, you'd be surprised how much leeway we have as long as the brass is kept happy," she said. "She's on duty for another couple hours, I'll tell her you're on your way as soon as visitors' hours are over?"

Jed flinched, he hadn't even considered that visitors' hours would be an issue. Abbey had been on the other side of the medical world for long enough now that Jed took for granted that hospitals functioned around the clock and had forgotten visitors were typically restricted at civilian hospitals, not to mention somewhere like this.

Nurse Ferguson gave him an appraising look and touched Jed softly on the arm, "It's okay, sometimes we get people for whom visitors' hours don't apply. Something tells me you're going to be one of them. Just be sure you make time to get some rest. You're no good to him if you're too tired to think straight."

He knew she was right, but it didn't make leaving Leo lying there helpless and alone any easier. Still, both Col. Hester and Lt. Ferguson were on duty now and Jed felt like Leo was in pretty good hands. He could go check in and get cleaned up, maybe even get an hour or two of sleep and be back before the shift changed and he needed to be around in case the night shift was any less competent. "Thanks," he told her, "I'll head over there after a while. I really appreciate you doing this for me."

"Don't worry about it. There are entirely too few of the really good people left in this world. We have to take care of each other," she said, giving him a smile off the front page of a fashion magazine before leaving him alone again.

Jed sat down, the exchange with Nurse Ferguson, pleasant though it had been, had worn on him. He'd been running on reserves for a while now, the combination of the adrenaline roller coaster, jet lag, and simple physical exhaustion. Jed knew she was right about needing some rest, but he was sick at the idea of something else going wrong with Leo and not being at his side. He knew if he stalled much longer he'd just pass out again in the chair, and that wasn't helping anyone right now. "Leo, your nurse there has set me up with a room. She's made it pretty clear that she's not interested in me, so I'm thinking she's trying to get you alone. I'm going to go check in and get cleaned up, don't do anything I wouldn't do," he tried to tease, but the tone came off as flat even to his ear. "Seriously Leo, I'll be back before you know it, you just hang in there, okay?" This time his tone was plaintive, and Jed wasn't sure it was an improvement but he needed to leave or he was going to break down again and he didn't want to do that here or now. He squeezed Leo's shoulder and then turned and left, running his sleeve across his eyes to be sure he was fit to ask Nurse Ferguson for directions to the hotel.

Jed found the directions easy to follow and the destination within easy walking distance from the hospital. Nurse Ferguson had called to inform her roommate of the situation, and Jed was set up with a small but sufficient room in no time at all. After a quick shower, he dressed again and stretched out on the bed, promising himself it was only for an hour or so and then he'd head back.

He hurt. Leo couldn't focus on anything else, the pain was all encompassing. He was at the bottom of some kind of dark well, and his thoughts were muddy, but there was no mistaking the pain. He didn't know what he'd done to abuse his body this time, but his side was on fire and his leg felt like it was in some kind of vise. He could see colored streaks of light, and he made no attempt to fight the oblivion as it reclaimed him.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: The Immediate Context of History   
Author: Marcia Plome  
Fandom: The West Wing  
Characters: Jed/Leo, Jed/Abbey  
Rating: R for language, allusions to a m/m relationship, and violent references  
Disclaimer: The West Wing, its characters and storylines are the sole property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Bros. and NBC Television. What follows is for entertainment purposes only and no copyright infringement is intended.  
Spoilers: Major for events seen in flashback during "An Khe"  
Summary: Pre-administration, Jed rushes to Leo's side as he recovers from injuries resulting from being shot down and the aftermath.  
Warnings: Angst, very major angst. Slash, but well within an R rating.  
Archive: Absolutely, just let me know.

The incessant ringing of the telephone on the table by his head brought Jed slowly back to awareness. "'Lo?" he answered, sitting up and trying to regain his bearings.

"Mr. Bartlet? It's Lt. Ferguson, I'm sorry to wake you, but my shift ends in a little less than an hour and I wanted to introduce you to the night nurse if you were planning on being around after visiting hours," she explained.

Jed looked out the window and noticed it was fully dark now. The hour he'd promised himself had stretched closer to three. "Yeah," he said, still groggy. "Yeah, thanks, I appreciate that. Give me a couple of minutes to wake up and I'll be right there."

"No need to hurry, I've got to give him a bath and help Col. Hester with his treatment before I'm through here. You probably don't want to be here for that anyway," she said.

Jed's stomach clenched at the thought of Leo so helpless he had to be bathed by a stranger. Eventually he supposed, the shock would wear off and each new reminder of the reality of his lover's condition would stop causing a physical reaction, but he expected that was still several days away.

He tucked the envelope with Leo's instructions into his jacket pocket and started back to the hospital. It took the short walk to clear away the last of his sleepiness and Jed was almost to the elevator before he realized Nurse Ferguson had said she was going to help Dr. Hester with some kind of treatment for which Jed didn't want to be present. Jed definitively didn't want to watch anything like that, never having been entirely comfortable around blood, much less the more gruesome realities of injuries as bad as Leo's, but more than that, he felt like he was violating Leo's privacy to be there for something so personal. Jed grimaced at the absurdity of that thought as the elevator stopped on the fifth floor, he'd certainly been party to the most personal of interactions enough times that watching something like a wound check shouldn't feel like an invasion. Still, he reasoned, part of his discomfort was that as long as he felt obligated to be present, to monitor anything being done, it was an undeniable sign that Leo was still powerless to do so for himself. This was his role here, to protect Leo's welfare and interests, and the growing sense of unease gave urgency to his steps. He hurried past the vacant nurses' station and was almost at a run when he reached Leo's room.

He'd lost his plane. Of all the stupid-ass, rookie mistakes, he'd gotten them shot down and not even been able to punch out right. He deserved this pain then, but he wondered if maybe the punishment wasn't worse than the crime. God he hurt. It was beginning to come back to him now, he'd busted his leg up pretty good, he'd seen the bones sticking out before Kenny'd bandaged it for him. It wasn't just his leg now though, and Leo didn't remember doing anything else to himself. In fact, he didn't remember a whole lot after Kenny dragged him away from their landing site. He'd told Kenny to leave him, and wherever Leo was, feeling like this, he dearly hoped Kenny had listened and was somewhere far away, and safe.

Jed got to Leo's room and stopped in the doorway, unsure whether he should go in. Dr. Hester was there, in scrubs this time, removing the bandages from Leo's leg. Jed noticed the sickly sweet odor intensify as Leo's leg was laid open to the air.

Hester looked over at the nurse, not having noticed Jed. "This is not improving. God, I hate to cripple a kid this age, much less one with his record, but if the necrosis keeps spreading there won't be enough leg left to reconstruct, even if we can stabilize him enough for the surgery."

Lt. Ferguson paused, seeming to consider her response, but there was no hesitation in her voice when she spoke. "Shouldn't you take him up to the OR and really clean it out then, Colonel? Why continue the debridements down here if it isn't enough?"

Hester shook his head grimly. "He's barely hanging on as it is, I can't chance anesthetizing him and I'm not enough of a monster to put him through that kind of procedure when there's a chance he could wake up in the middle. It's bad enough that I'm doing this much without putting him under."

Ferguson unfolded a surgical drape and handed it to him. "But if the gangrene goes systemic?" she asked.

"It's a chance we have to take. Right now, I'm a lot more concerned about whatever other bug he picked up, that's what's killing him, not the gangrene." Hester answered.

Jed tried to swallow the lump in his throat, Dr. Hester hadn't sugarcoated things for him in their earlier conversation, but he hadn't been as direct as he was with his staff. Hearing him like this illustrated for Jed the fact that Leo's case was a medical challenge, not just a case of waiting for the antibiotics to do their work. He struggled with his feelings for long moments, still watching the two of them work on Leo. Finally, his throat still thick with emotion, he coughed, giving himself away.

Lt. Ferguson turned, startled, and looked to Col. Hester for direction.

Hester looked up at Jed, his demeanor calm and unsurprised, and gave Ferguson a very slight nod before returning to his work,

Jed took this as permission and stepped over the invisible threshold and into the room.

"You can stay, Mr. Bartlet, but don't contaminate my field," Hester warned quietly.

Leo floated closer to this well of consciousness again, trying to separate the latest hazy dreams from the reality that had pulled him out of them. He tried to piece together what he knew. Pain. Even the dreams were tinged with pain, it had begun to define his existence. Shot down. Wrecked leg. Where was he now? Leo tried to open his eyes, but couldn't get them to obey. Had he been captured? There had been an NVA patrol on the ground looking for them, Kenny had tried to hide him, he remembered that much. His leg felt like it was being carved into slices. They'd gotten him then, he'd probably given himself away somehow. He was cold, and he felt damp. NVA torture methods favored holding GIs under water and Leo knew they wouldn't stop until he'd given them something. He tried to talk, to offer up some useless information, but he felt like he was gagged, like they had shoved something down his throat. He wanted to be amused at the irony of torturing someone for information while physically preventing them from providing it, but found the pain distracted him from even that. What did they want from him? His breathing was coming too fast, and Leo knew his heart rate was higher than it should be as well. He tried to slow his breathing, to find a way that didn't hurt so much, but every attempt to control it only made things hurt worse. He felt that awful gurgling at the end of every breath and knew there was either blood or water in his lungs. If they'd just leave him be, stop dunking him in the water, maybe he'd have a chance to cough it out. His leg was being hacked, but that didn't make any sense if there were drowning him, maybe there were rats? Rats gnawing on his leg? Made sense, he guessed, they'd be attracted to the blood. Leo choked at the inhumanity of it. He'd been briefed on the NVA torture methods, but nothing had prepared him for this. Fucking commie bastards, they didn't give a rotten goddamn about the Geneva Convention. He tried to flail an arm, to lash out at whomever was doing this to him, but again, his muscles weren't under his control.

Jed thought he saw Leo's fingers twitch, almost imperceptibly, against his bandaged hip. His concerned look at the doctor was returned with a slight shake of the head.

Col. Hester bent back to his task, "Almost done here Captain, just a bit more," he said, gritting his teeth as finished the job. With Leo's leg cleaned out and rebandaged, Col. Hester stripped off his gloves and took a seat on the physician's stool. "I'll update his chart, Lieutenant, you can go find Captain Jones and brief her on the status of the floor for tonight."

"Yes sir," she replied, clearing away the last of the mess from the procedures they'd done for Leo before leaving them alone.

Col. Hester stretched a bit on the stool and took a long look at Leo. "We don't have anything else planned for him tonight, the nurses will just be in for vitals checks. If his condition hasn't changed, I want to take him off the respirator in the morning."

"But if he stops breathing again?" Jed asked.

"It's a necessary risk. The longer he stays intubated, the more dependent he'll become on it. He's got some fluid building up in his lungs, and the respirator will increase the risk of pneumonia. Even if we have to put him back on it later on, any time he's breathing for himself right now is delaying the onset of respiratory paralysis," Col. Hester explained.

Jed's concern about the possibility of complications was tempered by his satisfaction that pulling the tube was a clear sign of improvement. "I understand," he said.

"All right, I'm headed home for the evening. Captain Bauer is on duty overnight. He's been involved in Captain McGarry's case from the beginning, so he knows what to look out for. I expect he'll be in to check on things later tonight," Col. Hester explained. "Do you have any other questions for me?"

Jed thought for a moment, but nothing struck him. "No, not right now, thanks."

Col. Hester nodded, "All right then, I'll see you tomorrow Captain. Mr. Bartlet."

Jed turned back to Leo, "You hear that? He's taking out that infernal tube tomorrow, so you'll be able to tell me to be quiet and let you sleep. Meanwhile, you're stuck listening to me go on and on about your goddaughter. Let me tell you about the time I was burping her while grading papers, and she spit up all over one of the essays. I had to bump the kid's grade a whole letter to make up for the fact that I was returning his paper with dried baby puke on it." Jed told the kind of stories that he realized were funny to devoted parents and no one else, but Leo would be awake soon enough, and then they could talk about more adult topics. In the meantime, he was free to run on about his baby girl.

He was startled some time later by a chuckle from the doorway. Standing, he saw Nurse Ferguson there with another nurse he hadn't seen before. "What?" he asked, somewhat embarrassed to have been caught talking to Leo like he expected a response, and more embarrassed that the topic had been the varying consistencies of baby excretions.

Nurse Ferguson smiled, "Nothing, it's just that babies are a pretty unusual topic around here." Getting serious again, she continued, "I came by to introduce you to Captain Jones. She'll be taking care of Captain McGarry tonight. Ma'am, this is Mr. Bartlet, he's the captain's next of kin."

He put his hand out, "Please, call me Jed."

After a tiny hesitation, Nurse Jones reached forward and shook his hand with her fingertips. She was older than Nurse Ferguson, but not as old as Dr. Hester. Jed guessed she was in her early forties. Her light brown hair was pulled up into a French braid at the back of her neck, above the collar of her uniform. She was more distant than the rest of the people Jed had met here so far, and her "How do you do?" implied a more privileged background. She stepped past him to scan Leo's chart for a moment, and nodded to Jed on her way out, "It was nice to have met you, Mr. Bartlet. I'll be back in an hour or so to do another vitals check."

"See you tomorrow," Nurse Ferguson said with a quick grin before hurrying down the hall after her counterpart.

By the time Nurse Jones returned, Jed had switched to telling Leo about some of the trickier bits of his dissertation. After a silent nod of greeting she went about her checks with all the surety of experience that Jed had seen from other nurses, although she kept an emotional perimeter around herself, something that was noticeably absent from Nurse Ferguson. After recording the latest numbers in Leo's chart, she turned to Jed, "You understand that visiting hours end in another hour, Mr. Bartlet?"

Jed's heart sank, things had been smoothed over for him so effectively to this point that he hadn't expected a fight. Nonetheless, he had no intention of leaving Leo alone, and he'd spent enough time around hospitals to realize visiting hours were entirely negotiable. "Listen, I'm not trying to cause any trouble, I just want to be here with him. Can you see your way clear to look the other way?"

"Rules are rules, Mr. Bartlet, they're there for everyone's protection," she answered.

Jed looked at Leo, still helpless, still silent, and decided to appeal to her sympathetic side. "Look, ma'am, no one here has given me anything but bad news and extremely guarded prognoses about my friend. He's fighting for his life, and I'm just trying to remind him what he has to fight for. If you were in his place, wouldn't you want to have someone around that loved you?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Jed wondered if he'd said too much. Could he backtrack from that last statement, couch it in terms of brotherly love or something?

Nurse Jones' posture changed completely, and she answered quietly, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I would."

"I – I didn't mean, uh, it's not," Jed stuttered, trying to somehow undo what he'd just said.

"No, it's all right," she put her hand on Jed's arm, "I do understand. I'm sorry about your friend, and I'm sorry I can't offer you real hope. If you being here offers him something, I don't want to be the one that takes that away." She started to leave and then turned back, "If I can do anything to make this easier for you, ask." She was gone before Jed could gather himself enough to respond.

Leo fought his way back to consciousness, this time the layers of pain were more familiar. The sharp biting pain in his leg was gone, but it still felt like someone had jabbed a knife in there and twisted. The leg was on fire, but he was cold. He'd heard enough stories about POW camps to be unsurprised by that finding. He'd be lucky if they left him in his flight suit, they'd probably already put him in the lightweight black pajamas, and he could forget about getting a blanket. He could hear voices, but he couldn't make them out. At least they'd taken a break from beating him. The NVA wouldn't let a little detail like him being unconscious stop them from pounding on him, but he didn't want to give himself away either. He took another moment to assess his condition. Breathing still hurt, and the rattle he felt was getting worse, he assumed they'd broken some ribs. Lucky thing he hadn't punctured a lung. For a moment he almost questioned that. Maybe it would be luckier to go ahead and die early. He didn't have anything to look forward to here except more pain. . Even if he told them everything he knew, it wouldn't matter, when they were finally satisfied he'd given them everything he knew, they'd beat him for fun. Still, Leo told himself, he had to hold on a little longer. He had to make it until someone knew who he was. If they hadn't gotten him to the Hilton yet, they would soon, and there would be other GIs there. Once he'd gotten his name and his serial number out, then he could let go, but until then, he had to hang on. He owed that to his buddies back at Tahkli, to his sisters, and most importantly, to Jed. Missing in action almost always meant dead, but it was that 'almost' that kept people from being able to let go and grieve properly, that kept them from being able to move on. He'd promised Jed he'd come home, but if he couldn't keep that promise, at least he'd be certain Jed knew for sure, that he didn't have to spend the rest of his life asking what-ifs. Leo had seen what those kinds of questions could do to a guy's family and friends and he wouldn't put Jed through that. He tried to crack his eyes open just enough to get a glimpse of where they were holding him, but found he didn't even have the strength for that. There was nothing to stay awake for and Leo didn't fight the blackness as it pulled him back down.

Jed had run out of things to talk about. He'd told funny baby stories, he'd told funny student stories, he'd given an impassioned defense of why 'Desolation Row' should have been included on Dylan's greatest hits record, he'd worked his way through his rosary twice, and he'd alternately begged, cajoled, and threatened Leo to just wake up and say something. He was fighting boredom and the pathetic selection of months-old military magazines and Reader's Digests were doing nothing to help the problem. Nurse Jones had been by a few times to do more vitals checks, and she'd indulged Jed with a few moments of small talk, but he hadn't found a real point of connection with her, and she had other patients and responsibilities. He was watching Leo sleep, trying to remember the last time he'd sat at his bedside with nothing else to do, content just to be close to him. It had been before he and Abbey got married, a weekend after Leo had finished his officer's training and before he'd started flight school. Leo had gotten a room and they'd stayed in, ordered room service and barely stuck their noses out the door for two and a half days. Still exhausted from the last week of his training, Leo had slept late every morning, and Jed had stayed in bed with him, reading the paper and just relishing the closeness. Leo slept on his side facing him and Jed found himself frequently having to skip backwards in articles after catching himself studying his lover's face. He'd been careful not to wake him, Jed knew how far his friend could push himself, and how much he needed this rest, but he couldn't quite restrain himself from running a gentle finger around the outside of his ear. It was featherlight, just barely making contact at all, but Jed was rewarded by Leo's half-smile. He knew that look, and even in his sleep, it meant Leo was comfortable and satisfied. Jed tried it now, reaching forward to gently stroke the ridge of Leo's ear, but Leo didn't move and Jed didn't see any change in his expression around the breathing tube.

He'd slumped back in the chair, trying to marshal his thoughts towards positive outcomes and away from the growing sense of despair when a young blonde doctor brushed by him. He walked past Jed without acknowledgement and snagged the chart off Leo's bed to scan it. Jed, annoyed by being ignored, cleared his throat. "I don't think we were introduced before. I'm Jed Bartlet."

The doctor looked up, "I'm sorry, I didn't see you. I'm Captain Bauer. I'm the doctor on call tonight." Jed looked him over, taller than either he or Leo, but not as tall as Dr. Hester, Bauer's blonde hair was cut short like most of the other men Jed had seen on the base and combined with his medium build to make him rather average looking. After his cursory introduction, he'd gone back to studying Leo's chart.

Jed shifted uncomfortably in the chair, wondering what this younger doctor saw in those notes.

The captain looked over at him, "You might as well go get some sleep. He has no idea you're here."

Jed was stunned. This man was the antithesis of Dr. Hester, who'd been gentle and caring, not only with Leo, but also with Jed. Nurse Ferguson had been great from the outset, and even Nurse Jones had made him feel welcome after he'd explained the situation. Jed got the feeling that having a family member around for one of their patients was unusual enough that they welcomed the change. They all seemed open to the idea that Leo might have moments of awareness, even if he couldn't demonstrate them, and that Jed's presence might be comforting to him in those moments. This guy didn't even seem to consider that a possibility. Jed had had about enough of being told what was best for Leo. He was tired, he was hungry, he was scared, and he felt horribly out of place. The one thing he knew how to do here was stand up for Leo, and it was with that in mind that he responded to the young doctor's suggestion. "Maybe he doesn't", Jed growled, "but I'd rather be here and not have him know it, than take a chance on him knowing he's alone with you."

The doctor's chin snapped up at Jed's comment and he glared at him, "I don't know what you're trying to imply, but if he's going to be alone with one of us, he's a hell of a lot better off with a trained surgeon than with some civilian who'll only get in the way."

Jed was too angry to be diplomatic anymore. "It's not as if you require a lot of room to maneuver in order to read his chart there. The only one here doing anything important is him," Jed gestured pointedly at Leo, "he's fighting for his life while you stand there beating your chest. I managed to stay out of Dr. Hester's way earlier when he was actually doing something, so I think I can avoid you while you just stand there. If you decide to do more, you let me know, and I'll move. Frankly, that would be a welcome change from what I've seen from you so far!" past the point of caring about making a scene, he let his voice rise into a shout.

"That's enough!" Captain Bauer responded, his tone matching Jed's. "Visiting hours are long over and it's past time for you to go. I can see that you're overwrought, but you're going to have to learn some decorum when addressing officers and physicians."

Bauer's patronizing words snapped the last remaining thread of Jed's self control, "Don't you dare lecture me about decorum! You want me to be awed and deferential towards you as some gifted healer, then fucking make him better. As long as he's lying there like that, I'm staying here. And as for whatever shiny piece of metal you have pinned to your shoulders, I don't give a good goddamn. Prove you're entitled to the respect, and I'll give it to you. Until then, maybe you ought to stay out of my way," he finished fiercely.

Bauer took a step towards Jed and just stood there for a moment, his presence vaguely threatening. "You're lucky I don't call the Security Police."

Jed didn't back down, "Call whomever you need to."

Bauer blew out an exasperated breath and shook his head in apparent resignation, "We both want what's best for Captain McGarry. The best thing you can do for him is to stay out of my way here." He turned on his heel and stormed out.

Still too hot to let Bauer get away with the last word, Jed called after him, "Stay the bloody hell out of mine, doctor." The sarcasm on the last word was impossible to miss.

Jed's heart was racing, confrontations like that weren't really his thing, but he'd just had more than he could take here. He paced the room for a few minutes, waiting to see if Bauer was coming back, but eventually settled back into the chair by Leo's bed.

Leo tensed, he could hear shouting, but he couldn't make out words. He concentrated, trying to decide if it was English or Vietnamese he was hearing, but again, his thinking was too muddy to be sure. Vietnamese voices arguing would probably mean they were trying to decide what to do to him next. Leo had been out of it for a while, he knew, and it was probably time for them to start up on him again. If they were English voices though, that would mean other prisoners, people to whom Leo could get his information. People that would be able to tell his family what had happened. English voices fighting about what though? It didn't make sense and Leo was too tired to hold on to the slippery strands of consciousness.

It was after four by the time Jed finally left, knowing that the morning shift started at seven and that it would be an hour or two after that before they'd have finished rounds and be ready to start with procedures. He hated to leave Leo alone, but he'd decided Nurse Jones was competent, albeit in a more formal, less personal way than Dr. Hester and Nurse Ferguson were, and Dr. Bauer hadn't made another appearance. Leo would be okay for a few hours, and Jed knew he needed to get at least a little sleep in order to be coherent when Hester pulled the tube.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: The Immediate Context of History  
Author: Marcia Plome  
Fandom: The West Wing  
Characters: Jed/Leo, Jed/Abbey  
Rating: M for language, allusions to a m/m relationship, and violent references  
Disclaimer: The West Wing, its characters and storylines are the sole property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Bros. and NBC Television. What follows is for entertainment purposes only and no copyright infringement is intended.  
Spoilers: Major for events seen in flashback during "An Khe"  
Summary: Pre-administration, Jed rushes to Leo's side as he recovers from injuries resulting from being shot down and the aftermath.  
Warnings: Angst, very major angst. Slash, but well within an M rating.  
Archive: Absolutely, just let me know.

He woke from the dreamless sleep of the exhausted to the insistent buzz of the alarm. He was still dressed, having fallen asleep immediately upon collapsing on the bed, a stark contrast from the insomnia he usually associated with stress. He stumbled towards the shower and twenty minutes later was once again riding the elevator to the fifth floor of the hospital.

Jed strode past the nurses station, surprised by how much better he felt after sleep, a shower, and the short walk. "Good morning," he said to Nurse Ferguson as he went by.

She looked up from the paperwork she was working on. "Oh, Mr. Bartlet, good morning. Col. Hester was just looking for you. He had one other patient to see, and then he said he was headed to Captain McGarry's room."

Jed thanked her and continued to Leo's room. Leo hadn't moved, and his condition seemed unchanged from when Jed had left. Though this didn't surprise him, he still cringed a little at the unnatural feeling of the room. Other than the bellows in the respirator, nothing in the room moved. Leo was absolutely still, and there were no sounds beyond those of the machines that surrounded him. Jed shook himself a little and ran his fingers over Leo's buzz cut, deciding to ask Nurse Ferguson if they could wash it for him. Leo was a stickler about his appearance, and Jed thought something simple like that might make him feel better. It would make Jed feel a little better anyway, and maybe that was enough. "Morning, old friend," he whispered, seating himself back in the guest chair.

Hester walked in minutes later, before Jed had come up with another topic for one-sided conversation. "Good Morning, Mr. Bartlet. I see from his chart that Captain McGarry had a quiet night. I hope you were able to get some rest yourself."

Jed wasn't sure if Dr. Hester had heard about his blowup with Bauer last night or how much Nurse Ferguson had told him about the arrangements she'd made for him, and not wanting to respond to either subject, he decided to be vague. "Uh, yes sir, I did, thanks." Hoping that the physician would leave it at that, he asked, "So, you're going to take the tube out?"

Hester seemed to hesitate, and Jed braced himself for an unwelcome conversation about last night, but instead the doctor just looked hard at Leo and nodded slowly, "Yes, I think it's time."

Hester pulled a pair of gloves out of a box on the tray next to the respirator and moved a mask with a bag attached to it closer to the bed. He put a hand on Leo's shoulder, "Captain McGarry, it's Col. Hester. Can you open your eyes for me?"

Jed was surprised, he hadn't known there was any expectation of Leo waking up for this. He flashed his eyes from Hester to Leo, but Leo eyes didn't even flutter.

Hester didn't seem disappointed, he just moved his hand into Leo's, "Okay, Captain, squeeze my hand."

Jed couldn't tell if Leo was reacting, but he let himself hope for a brief moment before Dr. Hester shook his head. "All right, Captain, it's okay. I'm going to get that tube out of your throat for you. It's a pretty uncomfortable feeling, but it'll be over in just a second."

"Now Mr. Bartlet, I need you to stay where you are, just in case I have to call anyone in here to help. Okay?" Hester asked.

Jed's throat was dry, but he nodded his agreement.

Hester held his gaze on Jed for just a moment longer before turning his attention back to his patient, "All right then Captain, here we go." Hester disconnected the tube from the respirator and put his left hand on Leo's jaw before pulling the tube out in one smooth motion with his right. He laid the tube on the instrument tray and watched Leo.

Jed's eyes were fixed on Leo's chest, it had fallen with the natural exhalation after Dr. Hester had removed the tube, but it wasn't rising. He focused on Leo, silently urging him to breathe.

Hester took the bag off the tray without moving his eyes from Leo. He gave him another minute, but had the mask tight over his nose and mouth and was bagging him before the monitor's alarm sounded. He gave one slow squeeze and let the bag reinflate before repeating the procedure. Then he took the mask off of Leo and waited again for him to breathe.

This time, Jed's urging wasn't silent. The band constricting around his chest was getting familiar by now, and the lump in his throat was back, "C'mon Leo, please. You can do this. C'mon Leo."

Hester gave Leo another long chance, but he still wasn't breathing on his own, and Jed slipped back into silence as Hester began to bag him again. When he pulled the bag off, Jed ignored the order to stay out of the way and moved back to Leo's side, holding his fingers gently, careful not to disturb the IV. Hester ignored this development and this time it was he who spoke, though Jed's silence did nothing to quiet his concern and support. Hester's voice was steady, but there was a tone there that Jed hadn't heard before when he spoke, "All right now, McGarry, breathe." Leo's chest still didn't rise, and Hester tried again, "Captain, I'm not asking you. Breathe! That's an order young man."

Jed had just started to shift from concern towards panic when he saw Leo's chest come up. His head snapped up toward Dr. Hester, and Hester wore a faint smile, like he had known that last tactic would work, but was pleased with himself nonetheless. Jed sat there transfixed for several moments, just watching each inhalation and exhalation, the pause between the two still causing a brief pang of fear each time. Hester stood unmoved from his position by Leo's head, timing respirations with his wristwatch for some minutes before picking up the chart.

The adrenaline that had started with panic became exhilaration, and Jed fairly bounced in the chair. Hester smiled at him, clearly sharing some of that feeling, and hung the chart on the foot of the bed again, gently setting his hand on Leo's good ankle. "Well done Captain, first step there, now you just relax, and we won't bother you for a while."

"Mr. Bartlet, you can have a few minutes to catch him up on the news, and then come find me for a cup of coffee so I can update you on what to expect the rest of the day and the weekend," he said.

Jed nodded, "I'll do that, doctor, and thank you." He expected Hester would have words for him about Bauer, but decided he'd deal with that in its own time.

Hester just smiled again and left the room, leaving Jed to struggle again for whatever news he was supposed to give Leo. He settled for recounting Lizzie's conversation from last night, and telling Leo more exciting stories about adventures with an infant.

Jed stayed there long enough to convince himself that Leo wasn't going to stop breathing without notice, and then left to meet Dr. Hester. Though he wasn't quite whistling, the last half hour had given a huge lift to his spirits, and he was beginning to hope that Leo just needed a bit more time.

He asked for Hester at the nurses' station and was given directions to his office on the third floor. Alone in the elevator, he tried to brace himself for what he expected to be a reprimand for his behavior with Captain Bauer last night. He didn't care, Dr. Hester could say whatever he wanted this morning, with Leo getting better, Jed would happily submit to whatever dressing down he had coming. Besides, Bauer had been an ass, and Jed didn't really regret having gotten into it with him.

He stepped into the hall and immediately noticed a difference. This floor was clearly the administrative floor, there were no patients, no nurses' stations, and the décor was entirely different, more professional, less clinical. He followed the directions he'd been given to the end of the hall. The door was open, and Jed was momentarily surprised to see a young airman sitting at the desk until he realized this must be Dr. Hester's secretary.

The younger man looked up at him, "Yes sir? Can I help you?"

"I'm Jed Bartlet, Dr. Hester asked me to meet him here," he answered.

"Yes sir, one moment please." Picking up the phone, he pushed the intercom button, "A Mr. Bartlet to see you sir." He listened for a moment and then responded, "Thank you sir," and hung the phone up. "You can have a seat sir. The colonel will be with you in just a minute."

Jed looked around, there was a small sitting area with a couch, two chairs, and a coffee table. He moved that way, stopping to study the photos covering the back wall. All the photos had the same theme, a plane dominating the shot and men either clustered in front of it, standing on the ladder to the cockpit, or seated in the cockpit. The planes were all different, ones that Jed knew were World War II planes, ones that looked just like the pictures Leo had sent of the one he was flying, most with the standard paint job, but some with teeth, wings, or cartoons painted on. The pilots were all the same though, in flight suits with huge grins and waving to the camera. In one corner of each picture was a short note, thanking Hester for getting the writers back to their planes. Jed felt an unexpected flicker of jealousy. Would this be Leo too, anxious to get right back to it, ready to leave Jed to get back to the fighting? Even so, he couldn't help but feel more confident, that if all these guys were writing to thank him, Hester would be able to get Leo back on his feet too. Jed supposed that was the point of having the pictures here like this, and wondered how many other families had felt this same surge of relief, that maybe things would be okay after all. If there were a battle coming, at some point in the future, over Leo going back to his planes and his war, it would be one Jed welcomed, even in defeat, as a victory over the current campaign, desperately praying for Leo to just wake up.

He'd just settled onto the couch when Dr. Hester opened his door. "Mr. Bartlet, sorry to keep you waiting, come on in." As Jed followed him into the inner office, Hester settled back into his chair and reached for a coffee cup on the table behind him. "Coffee?" he offered.

Jed nodded, studying this room for more clues about Hester. The table was neat, with a few patient files stacked on it, and a desk calendar. His desk held two framed pictures, one of the colonel and a woman Jed assumed was his wife, and the other of a Marine crouched in tall grass with a rifle. Behind the desk, in what was clearly the place of honor, was an oversized frame with some kind of letter and below that, a picture of a younger Hester in dress uniform shaking hands with President Eisenhower.

Hester handed him the coffee, and gestured for him to sit.

Jed sat, happy that the coffee mug gave him something to do with his hands, but unused to being on this side of a desk, and feeling strange without a notebook or essay in his lap. "So, Leo's doing better, it seems like, when do you think he might wake up?" he asked.

Hester cleared his throat, "Getting him off the respirator was important, but it was more to prevent further complications than an indication of improvement. His fever has come down a little, so that's a sign that the infection might be responding to the antibiotics, but it's still elevated, and as I told you yesterday, unless we can control the infection, discussions about Captain McGarry regaining consciousness should be broached in terms of 'if' and not 'when'."

Jed let out the breath he'd been holding, Dr. Hester's words dousing the spark of hope that had been growing. When would anyone give him good news about Leo?

Hester must have noticed the drastic change in Jed's body language because his next words were an attempt to offer some comfort. "I'm sorry, I just don't want you to have any false illusions here. We're doing what we can for him, but at the moment, I'm afraid that's not much."

Jed nodded soberly, "I understand. What's next?"

"More of the same," Hester answered. "Hopefully the fever will continue to come down as the antibiotics do their work. I wanted you to know I won't be around this weekend, Captain Bauer will be directing Captain McGarry's care. I don't anticipate major changes, but the treatments will continue."

Jed flinched a little at the news. Knowing the young, abrasive doctor would be responsible for Leo over the next days left him with a deep sense of unease. The man might be a doctor, but he lacked any bedside manner. Still, Jed knew Bauer hadn't been the only one out of control in their encounter. Hester hadn't said a word about it, and Jed wondered if he didn't know or if he'd just decided he didn't need to address the issue. Regardless of whether or not his run in with the doctor was commonly held knowledge, he certainly wasn't going to chance Hester dressing him down over his own lack of decorum by trying to complain. Instead, he quietly thanked Dr. Hester for the update.

Jed left Hester's office dejected. Yet again, the small shred of hope he'd begun to let grow had been taken away. He stepped back into Leo's room, trying to keep his mood upbeat, not wanting to chance Leo sensing the increased desperation he was feeling. Finding no words, he settled for just rubbing Leo's shoulder. If all he could do was be here for him, at least he'd do that much.

Leo came to again slowly, with no concept of how much time had passed since he'd last been conscious. Things were quiet now, and he wondered if they'd left him alone. This was the most coherent he'd felt, and if they'd in fact given him a reprieve between sessions, it was an opportunity to assess his condition. He fought to open his eyes, needing to see where it was they had him, and succeeded in getting them open the tiniest bit. Even that small amount of light was overwhelming, and he could barely make out dim shapes. Giving it up as a bad effort, he tried to determine his condition. He kicked his right leg out a little, other than the general soreness he felt all over, everything seemed fine there. The other leg was a different story, and he dreaded what he was about to do, but he had to know. He gingerly tried to stretch it out, flexing the knee a little just to see how bad things were. The inarticulate scream that was wrenched from his throat was testament to the wisdom of that idea. He should have known better, he realized, as he lay there trying to catch his breath again. He felt hands on his shoulders, and he could only hope it was another prisoner and not the guards ready to drag him off again. Trying to catch his breath only added a sharp pain in his chest to the excruciating pain in his leg, and he lost his battle with oblivion before he could say a word.

Jed had almost missed the first little movement, but he'd been on his feet as soon as he realized Leo was awake. His elation at signs of Leo regaining consciousness had immediately been replaced by terror at the agony conveyed by his scream. Jed had both hands on Leo's shoulders and was almost shaking him before he realized what he was doing. Leo went limp again, and Jed was screaming himself. "Help! I need some help in here!"

A nurse he didn't recognize rushed in, and Jed didn't take his eyes off his friend. "He's waking up. Get Dr. Hester up here."

She looked at him, "Let me just check his vitals. Col. Hester will be making rounds soon."

Jed glared at her. "Get Dr. Hester." The last thing he needed was a reputation for being hard on nurses, but this was Leo, and he didn't have time to worry about her feelings. "Now!" he shouted.

She jumped a little at his outburst and hurried back out of the room. Leo was still again, but Jed didn't move, staring down at his friend, anxious for another sign of life. Hester came in very shortly thereafter, clapping Jed on the shoulder on his way past and moving to Leo's other side. Seeing that Leo was giving no signs of consciousness, he looked to Jed. "He was awake?"

Jed nodded helplessly, "Sort of. Awake enough that he moved a little."

"Did he say anything?" Hester asked.

"No, he screamed and then he passed out again," Jed answered.

Dr. Hester nodded. "Okay." He looked down at Leo, "Rumor has it you've decided to rejoin us, Captain. I'm very pleased to hear that." Getting no reaction, he looked over at Jed, and then back to Leo, "Can you open your eyes for me, Captain McGarry?" Jed looked anxiously, but Leo's eyes didn't so much as flutter.

Leo heard voices, cutting through the layers of pain in which he'd been mired, not the harsh shouting from last night either, but calm voices. Other prisoners then? He had to let them know who he was. Once people knew he was here, what his captors did to him wouldn't matter. Just so long as someone knew what had happened to him. Moving was out of the question, he didn't know exactly what he'd done to his leg, but it was agonizing just lying still, anything else would probably be enough to make him pass out again, and he needed to get his name out before that happened. His throat was still sore, but he wasn't gagged anymore. Summoning his strength, he croaked out the information that would identify him.

"McGarry, Leo T."

Jed saw his lips move. Hester was writing in his chart, and Jed reached over to grab his lab coat, wanting to be sure he noticed, but not wanting to chance interrupting Leo. Hester's attention immediately focused on his patient and he and Jed watched as Leo continued.

"Captain. USAF." It was just loud enough for them to hear if they strained, and his voice was broken, gravelly and hoarse, but there was no doubt about what he'd said.

Jed first reaction was elation. No matter how quiet or rough, that was Leo's voice, and it meant his friend was coming back to him. He looked over to Dr. Hester, expecting to see his own relief and joy mirrored, and instead saw his jaw tighten and his eyes cloud with concern. Reality sunk in, Leo might be waking up, but he didn't know where he was. Why tell your doctors your name and rank? What in the world was Leo thinking? "Dr. Hester? What's going on?"

Leo had fallen silent, and Hester just stood there for a moment, before taking a breath and looking away. "Come join me in the hall for a minute."

Once they were in the hall, Col. Hester got straight to the point. "How much do you know about what pilots can expect when they're shot down?"

Jed knew quite a bit, though Leo had never told him. The media coverage coming back from over there was bad enough, but in a misguided attempt to reassure himself about what his friend would be going through, Jed had done some research. What he found did nothing to comfort him. Captured pilots were extremely valuable for propaganda purposes, young officers that could be paraded in front of the camera in an attempt to show the American viewing public that the young men had been convinced to support the Vietnamese. The lengths to which the NVA was willing to go to force those kinds of performances were extreme, and the details were gruesome. Jed realized Dr. Hester was waiting for an response. "More than enough," he answered.

Hester nodded. "That's what he thinks he's going through."

"I'm not sure I understand," Jed replied. "He thinks he's been captured? But we're right here."

"He's not processing sensory perception. Or at least he's not processing it correctly. It could be temporary, a transitional effect as he regains consciousness, or it could be some kind of permanent brain damage from the fever having been so high. It's not all that unusual for patients to perceive what they expect to perceive in situations where their mental status is impaired. When he was last fully conscious, he must have believed he was going to be captured." Hester paused, checking to be sure Jed was absorbing this. "I'm sorry, there really isn't much more we can do beyond what we're already doing. We should know more in a few days. I'll come back by before I leave, but have someone page me if anything major happens before then. If this is transitional, he's going to be very confused. You need to keep reminding him of where he is and what's happened. You can do that?"

Jed nodded. "And very little else, it would seem." He turned back towards the door, bringing his hands up to scrub at his face. He leaned his head into the door frame. He was exhausted, and frustration over not being able to do anything at all for Leo was building into a sense of guilt that it was somehow his fault his friend wasn't getting better.

Hester interrupted Jed's self recrimination, "I know this is rough on you, seeing him like this, watching him go through this. But you have to stay positive for him. He needs to have someone who knows him as more than just a patient. None of us can do that for him yet, but you can."

Jed nodded again, not encouraged, but at least feeling like maybe he had something to contribute after all, and went back into Leo's room.

The rest of the morning was something of a blur for him. Leo would move a little, or mumble, but never said anything intelligible beyond the same mantra of his name, rank, and serial number. Jed pleaded with him to wake up and come out of it, tried to tell him he was safe now, that he wasn't still over there, but nothing he said mattered. Leo was still oblivious to his reassurances, to his very presence. After sitting through this for hours, Jed knew he was about to lose his composure and decided maybe some lunch would help.

Leo came to, suddenly aware that someone had him by the arm. Someone dragging him off for another round of questioning then? He would lose this fight, he had no illusions on that point, but they were going to beat him anyway, so he might as well put up a bit of resistance. The grip on his arm tightened and Leo flailed in that direction, struggling blindly to lash out at his captors. Movement of any kind hurt, and sudden violent movements like this hurt more than the careful exploratory movements he'd made earlier. Even so, he knew it was nothing compared to what they'd do to him once they got him out of here, and he fought until the little strength he had was gone. Then, deciding their methods of bringing him back to consciousness were unlikely to be worse than their methods of obtaining information, he let himself collapse again.

Jed returned from the cafeteria to find Leo thrashing while a nurse tried to take his blood pressure. He rushed over to his friend and started anew with reassurances, trying to hold Leo's arms down enough that he wasn't flailing. "Leo, stop. You're safe now, you're not over there. You got picked up and you're home. You're in California, Leo. I'm here, stop fighting us, please stop." The nurse must have called for some help because two more nurses came in and before Jed really understood what was going on they'd fastened padded cuffs around Leo's wrists and ankles. Jed was sick at his stomach. Leo's delusions had him held prisoner by people who would torture him, and his reality had him tied down. This couldn't possibly help him understand he was home and safe in an American hospital. "Are those absolutely necessary? I can't believe he's strong enough to hurt anyone like this."

The nurse that had been in the room when Jed first returned looked up at him apologetically, "I'm sorry sir, they're to protect him. We need to keep him still, moving around like that he could pull an IV line out, or worse, displace one of the broken ribs and puncture a lung."

The three nurses left him alone again and Jed collapsed back into his chair by Leo's bed. Putting his hand on Leo's shoulder, he repeated reassurances that now rang false even to his ears. "You're safe Leo. You're home. I'm here, old friend, come back to me."

Jed stayed there, always in contact with Leo, a gentle, unobtrusive touch on his arm, his cheek, his chest, his murmured reassurances matching Leo's mumbled comments. When Dr. Hester came back, Jed had no idea of how long they'd been like that, but he made no effort to move.

Seeing Leo in restraints, Hester immediately looked to Jed, "What happened?"

Jed shrugged, "I'm not really sure. I'd gone to get lunch and when I came back he was fighting with a nurse trying to get his blood pressure. She said it was for his own protection."

Hester was unbuckling the restraint on Leo's left leg. "I trust my nurses, but I'm sorry it came to that. It's not going to make it any easier on him, I'm afraid. I'm going to make a note in his chart, and I'll tell the nurses on duty now myself, but I need you to be sure no one restrains this leg. You'll do that?"

"Of course," Jed answered, "but why does it matter?"

Hester let the sheepskin cuff drop to the floor, "If he tries to kick out with that leg, he could manage to recompound the fracture. There's nothing stabilizing the reduction yet and the shock of that kind of a complication, in his current condition, would probably, well, he just doesn't need that. When he wakes up again, he's probably going to react pretty violently to the restraints. There really isn't anything we can do to make that easier, so if you're here when it happens, just try to reassure him that he's all right, and get a nurse if you think he's going to hurt himself."

Hester pulled new dressing material from the cabinet and removed the splint from Leo's leg. "I had planned to do another debridement this afternoon, but I think that might be unnecessarily traumatic for him given what he's perceiving. I'm going to change the dressings now, but if things don't look too bad, I think we'll leave the debridement for later. If this is a transitional state of consciousness we can wait to treat him until he's more aware of his surroundings."

Jed knew Dr. Hester had left unsaid the other option, that if Leo were permanently damaged, waiting to treat the leg wouldn't matter. The smell that hit him when Dr. Hester removed the bandages wasn't the shock it had been before, but he wasn't sure if that was because it wasn't as strong, or only because he'd been expecting it.

Hester didn't seem fazed by anything he saw, and made short work of getting the old dressings off and new dressings on. When he'd finished cleaning things up, he put a hand on Leo's other foot, in what Jed was beginning to recognize as a signature gesture of comfort. "I realize this probably isn't a good motivator, Captain, but I need you to work your way back towards us so I can get this leg cleaned out." Shifting his focus to Jed, he added, "It's not looking any worse than it was yesterday, and that's a good thing, but until we can go in and really clean things out, I can't give any realistic prognosis about his use of the leg." He updated the chart, and turned back to Jed. "I'm headed home, is there anything I can do for you before I go?"

"Tell me he's going to be okay," Jed begged.

Hester's features tightened, and to his credit, his hesitation was very slight. "He's a fighter and we're doing everything we can for him. Don't discount the difference having a friend here for him can make."

Jed nodded, disappointed, but not having really expected the promise for which he'd asked. "Thanks."

"Hang in there, both of you. I'll see you Monday." With that, Hester stepped past Jed and left.


	5. Chapter 5

Title: The Immediate Context of History  
Author: Marcia Plome  
Fandom: The West Wing  
Characters: Jed/Leo, Jed/Abbey  
Rating: M for language, allusions to a m/m relationship, and violent references  
Disclaimer: The West Wing, its characters and storylines are the sole property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Bros. and NBC Television. What follows is for entertainment purposes only and no copyright infringement is intended.  
Spoilers: Major for events seen in flashback during "An Khe"  
Summary: Pre-administration, Jed rushes to Leo's side as he recovers from injuries resulting from being shot down and the aftermath.  
Warnings: Angst, very major angst. Slash, but well within an M rating.  
Archive: Absolutely, just let me know.

Leo relaxed as the voices stopped. They'd moved him this time, but no one had hurt him on purpose, he was clear on that much at least. He attempted to stretch his hand out, to try to get some idea by feel of his new surroundings. He managed to move less than an inch before his attempts were abruptly stopped. Confused, he tried again, finding that he was tied down somehow. Any sense of relief he'd briefly entertained when the voices stopped without another interrogation session was immediately quashed by this realization. It was bad enough that they were going to question him, but tying him up first implied methods he hadn't wanted to contemplate. Leo gave in to a moment of visceral terror and fought hard against whatever had him tied down.

Jed paced a little, cataloging Dr. Hester's latest comments in the mental file he was keeping, trying to keep his expectations realistic based on the information he had. A small movement at Leo's side caught his eye. Leo was clenching and relaxing his fist in a habit Jed knew from long acquaintance. Just as suddenly as he'd started, he stopped, and this time, Jed thought the stillness was one of waiting, rather than the lapses into unconsciousness he'd seen the last few times. Jed stopped his pacing and was still too, all but holding his breath. Maybe this time, Leo would wake up, fully conscious and aware of his surroundings. Jed rather expected to hear him start with his name, rank, and serial number again, but he stayed silent and waited. He didn't have to wait long, but Leo's primal yell was a far cry from the litany he'd clung to earlier. Jed watched in shock as Leo fought the restraints like an animal caught in a trap, seemingly unconscious of the damage he could do to himself, just straining with muscle and bone against what held him. He was afraid to touch him, scared he could somehow make things worse, but horrified as he watched Leo struggle and flex to no effect. "Leo, stop, please. You're going to hurt yourself. You're safe, you're home, you don't have to be afraid anymore." Dr. Hester had said to try to reassure him, and Jed did his best. "It's me, it's Jed. I'm here, I'm not going to let anything happen to you. You're going to be okay now, please, just stop." Leo had managed to arch his back off the bed an inch or so and a trickle of sweat started down his temple from the exertion he was putting himself through. Jed was near tears, it was hard enough to watch someone you love in pain, but watching him needlessly frightened and hurt was brutal, and made worse by the fact that even standing there next to him, he couldn't help at all. "You're home, you're in an American hospital in California. Don't do this, Leo." Enough was enough, he was going to get the nurse before Leo really hurt himself. And then, as suddenly as he'd started, Leo was quiet and still again. Jed collapsed into his chair, reaching over to dab the sweat off Leo's forehead with some left over bandage material.

A nurse stuck her head in, "Is everything all right in here?"

Jed shook his head, things were a long way from all right, but that wasn't what she was asking. "He freaked out about the restraints, but he seemed to calm down once I started talking to him. I think he's passed out again now."

She took a moment to check on Leo and noted the incident in his chart, "No changes to his condition," she told Jed. "Let us know if you need anything."

He nodded gratefully and she left them alone again.

Soft words and a gentle touch hadn't been what Leo had expected to come next, and the simple contact with someone who wasn't trying to hurt him almost balanced the fire in his side that he'd managed to start with that little tantrum. Another prisoner then? Leo couldn't make out the words, just that they were quiet and comforting, not loud or angry or giving orders like some of what he'd heard before. Fighting the bonds had made him feel a little bit human again, like he was a man with some control over his destiny, but it had been dearly bought. His breathing had gotten more painful, and he'd jarred the leg enough that something felt wrong there. Too tired and in too much pain to even try to talk, he gave himself into the hand on his shoulder and hoped that whomever it was had some idea of how much he appreciated whatever little aid they offered.

Jed scrubbed at his eyes with the shoulder of his shirt. He wouldn't help anything by letting them see him cry here. He doubted military men were even allowed to cry, and he expected they'd think poorly of anyone who did. He swallowed the lump out of his throat and put his hand on Leo's shoulder again. Not quite squeezing, not quite stroking, just letting his friend know he wasn't alone. "Go ahead and rest Leo. I'm not going anywhere."

They stayed like that for long enough for him to feel as if the nurses were overdue. Jed had begun to develop a sense for the rhythm of the routine around here. Hester must have noted Leo's vitals during his last visit. Jed was too wrung out to attempt more stories, and couldn't bear another pointless one-sided conversation. He sat there, trying to leave himself open for Leo, just making himself emotionally available, hoping to catch some echo of the resonance they'd shared so many times before, sitting together in quiet moments, one or the other too tired to make conversation. Even quiet like that, he'd always been able to spark off of Leo's energy, and Jed felt that absence as an almost physical ache.

Leo hovered in that half conscious purgatory. He was aware of a touch on his shoulder, a gentle comforting one, not the grip of someone about to drag him off and hurt him. He managed to force his eyes open, not all the way, but enough to realize something was wrong with his vision. He could see a figure by his side, but he couldn't bring it into focus. It had to be another prisoner, and he tried hard to fight through enough layers of the muddying pain and confusion to be able to thank the other man for being there. It was bad enough dying like this in a hellhole away from everything he'd ever cared for or about, but somehow, just knowing he didn't have to do it completely alone helped a lot. The effort just wore him out though, and he let himself go again, wondering with his last semi-conscious thought how much longer he would last like this.

Nurse Jones' entrance later that evening didn't startle Jed, but the fact that she was pushing a cart with dinner trays on it did. "Surely you don't expect him to eat, do you? He hasn't been anywhere near awake enough for that."

Lieutenant Jones smiled at him. "No, but I heard you're not eating either, and I thought you might reconsider if you had company. This is my dinner break, and I can eat here as easily as in the lounge."

Jed smiled gratefully. He'd misjudged her before, for all her formality, this was a more personal gesture than anyone else had made for him since he'd been here. The food smelled great, and it would be nice to sit down for a meal instead of wolfing down something quick while worrying about what was happening with Leo. "Thank you, I guess time got away from me again."

Their conversation over dinner was pleasant, if superficial. She asked about his family, and Jed took advantage of the opportunity to pull pictures of Lizzie from his bag. She oohed and ahhed over them with the air of someone who realized how important family connections could be to patients. Jed bragged about Leo being the godfather, and about how excited he was for Lizzie to meet him. Nurse Jones didn't try to temper his enthusiasm about that introduction with any comments about realistic expectations, and he felt a surge of appreciation for that gift. It wasn't a long visit, but as she gathered up the trays and returned to her duties, Jed realized how much it had meant to him.

Leo thought he smelled food, but it smelled good, and that didn't make any sense. Standard fare for prisoners was a small bowl of moldy rice, and he smelled meat and potatoes. Was he getting delirious then? He knew about people seeing and hearing things, but he'd never heard of them smelling things that weren't there. He didn't remember the last time he'd eaten, and if he were going to daydream about food, it would be Irish stew and soda bread, not just meat and potatoes. Maybe this was some kind of weird psych game, letting the prisoners smell food that meant home but not letting them have any. He was too sick to eat, he knew that by the way his chest felt, so rather than letting himself get caught up in what he couldn't have, he tried to just savor the aroma and think of better times.

Suddenly feeling better about everything, Jed talked more to Leo about how much he wanted him to meet Lizzie, about the stories he'd already told her about him, about how much she was going to love him. They were two of his favorite topics, his daughter and his friend, and talking to either about the other was easy and fun. He went on in fits and starts about the things they'd all do together, about how Leo was going to fall for Lizzie the same way he and Abbey had, and about how much fun the whole baby thing really could be, when viewed from the right perspective. By the time he finally reached his conclusion, it was almost eleven. "She's going to love you Leo, just like her dad."

Jed had reason to appreciate to appreciate the ambiguity of that comment moments later, as the footsteps he'd heard in the hall stopped at Leo's door. At first glance, he almost didn't recognize the man in the doorway, such was the difference the uniform made. Dr. Hester looked relaxed, more like a grandfather headed home from a late night poker game than the senior officer and department head he was.

Hester walked into the room wearing casual khaki trousers and a plaid shirt. He smiled, "Why am I not at all surprised to see you're still here?"

Jed looked over to Leo and then up at Hester, "For what it's worth, he wouldn't leave me either."

"Funny you should say that. Has anyone told you how he got here? I mean, what happened on the mission where he and his bear were shot down?" Hester asked.

"Wait, his what?" Jed asked, having no idea what 'bear' meant in that context.

"Sorry," Hester acknowledged, "his electronic warfare officer." Jed must have still looked confused, "His backseater."

"O'Neil," Jed answered, knowing the guy's name from Leo's all too infrequent letters.

Hester shrugged, obviously the name didn't mean anything to him. "Do you know what happened?"

What little he knew had come from the embassy liaison in London, and he hadn't had any specifics. "No, just that his plane was shot down and it took them three days to find him," Jed answered, curious as to what details Dr. Hester might be able to provide.

"I got a phone call from his squadron commander." Hester elaborated. He pulled the physician's stool around to Jed's side of Leo and sat down. "Apparently the whole base over there is concerned and pressing for details on his condition."

Jed nodded, relieved to have some company tonight, and happy to hear that Leo meant enough to the other pilots that they would push for information about him. It raised a question Jed had wondered about though, and now seemed like a good time to ask. "Dr. Hester, about that," he began, "how did he get back here so quickly? I was under the impression that guys usually stayed in the hospitals over there until they were stable."

Col. Hester nodded, and studied the floor in front of his feet, "Usually they do, that's right. In rare cases though, it's obvious that a patient's condition is beyond the abilities of the in-theater hospitals, and a decision has to be made about whether the possible benefit of getting them back Stateside justifies the risk of transporting them in critical condition." He looked up at Leo, "Captain McGarry didn't have anything to lose."

Jed swallowed hard, that was more or less the impression he'd gotten from the officers that had come to inform him Leo had been shot down, but even so, it hurt to hear it confirmed. "I think he'd appreciate being home, but I'm sure he'd hate feeling like he got out and left the rest of his guys over there," Jed replied, trying to focus on Leo's perspective, not his own.

Hester smiled ruefully, "That's what I started to tell you. The men over there are all pushing their colonel pretty hard for an update. At least four other guys feel like they made it back because Captain McGarry destroyed a target that would otherwise have gotten them. They told their commander pretty much exactly what you just told me. That he wouldn't leave them there, and that they all want updates about how he's doing here. Seems like your friend there is quite the hero."

Jed swallowed hard, the information didn't shock him, but rather reinforced the things he knew and loved about the man. "Leo's been a hero since he was a kid. That's just who he is. You remember the Holy Martyrs thing, that fire back in '57 where so many kids died? Leo was there. He was in the school when the fire started, and he got out, but then he went back into the building. He couldn't find his sister and he wasn't going to leave her in there. He got her whole class rounded up and showed them the way through. Then he literally held the door so they could get out. He braced himself in the doorframe as it burned around him, otherwise those kids would all have been trapped, like so many of the others were."

"My God," Hester breathed. "He would have been, what, about twelve?" he asked rhetorically. "I wondered about the scars on his shoulders. I've seen burns before, but there's nothing about that in his records."

"He doesn't talk about it," Jed replied.

"They never do." Jed looked at him questioningly, and Hester clarified, "The guys who go out there and save lives, who put themselves between the dark things in the night and the comforts of home, they aren't the ones who make a big deal about it. I can't count the times I've seen it. Their buddies will tell the stories, but the guy who did the really hairy stuff will just say, 'I was in the right place at the right time,' or 'Anyone would have done the same thing if they'd been there.'"

Jed nodded, "Yeah, that's Leo. Even when we were in school, he was helping support his mom and his sisters. I told him one time how impressive I found that. He was carrying a full load, staying close to the top of the class, playing two varsity sports, and still made time for a part time job to help out. He just waved it off, said anyone would do it, given the situation, and he wouldn't listen when I told him how rare I thought it really was. Now that his mom's gone too, he's completely supporting his sisters, and he doesn't think that's anything particularly special either."

"You two go pretty far back, don't you?" Dr. Hester asked, turning to glance momentarily at Leo.

"Almost ten years," Jed admitted, "we met our junior year of high school."

Hester shook his head. "Neither of you looks old enough to have those kinds of stories to tell. The captain here looks like he could go out for the high school swim team and not have anyone question his eligibility."

"It was wrestling, not swimming. Wrestling and baseball," Jed answered, grinning as a quick flash of memory hit him. Leo in his wrestling singlet, walking off the mat triumphant, as usual, his hair plastered to his head and a mat burn on his cheek, looking up into the stands to smirk at Jed with a silent promise of a different kind of wrestling later that night. They'd both won that bout, several times each.

Jed was afraid the emotions that particular memory stirred would be obvious on his face, but Hester's next comment gave no indication that he'd seen anything amiss. "Let me guess, shortstop?"

"No, he pitched," Jed answered. "First-team all prep."

Leo woke again, still tied down, and with the fire in his side smoldering. He took a deep breath to try to control the pain, remembering too late that breathing hurt. His reality struck him, tied down even between torture sessions, in enough pain that he knew there were life threatening injuries, and without any hope of medical treatment. He was too tired to even fight them, but he had to hold on long enough to be sure people here knew him, that someone here could tell Jed what had happened to him. He could hear voices again, and the pattern and tones sounded American, not Vietnamese. He tried to make out the words, and realized suddenly that he recognized one of the voices. He listened harder, hoping to God it wasn't Kenny. If the kid had gotten captured, it was Leo's fault, and he'd never forgive himself. As the conversation went on around him though, he realized it definitely wasn't Kenny. The voices sounded older, and the rhythm and pitch wasn't Kenny's either. Still, the voice was familiar, he knew he recognized it. Oh holy hell, there was someone here that he knew, that knew him. This had to be a camp then, no one from the squadron had been shot down recently enough to still be in transition to one. No one other than he and Kenny, he reminded himself bitterly. Would this guy recognize him? He wasn't sure, not knowing which of the guys he'd seen shot down over the last year it might be. He hoped he'd said his name enough now, they knew that, surely. But names were easy to forget if they didn't mean anything to you. If he could just be sure the guy realized who he was, then when they killed him, someone would know what had happened to him. Someone who could take the news home. As much as he hated his call sign, and all the reasons behind it, it would mean something to another pilot that 'McGarry' might not. He forced himself to take a deep enough breath to have air for words, steeling himself against the flame that little movement cost him. He barely managed "Cubby" before the pain won out again, and he ground his teeth in an attempt to keep himself from screaming.

Hester stopped midsentence and he and Jed waited for Leo to continue. When nothing else was forthcoming, Hester raised his eyes at Jed. "He's from Chicago, right? North side or west side then?"

"West side. How did you know that?" Jed asked.

"I went to med school with a guy from Chicago. He made it very clear how the city divides on baseball," Hester explained, leaning back on the stool. "I take it Captain McGarry wouldn't like it very much if he found out I was a Sox fan then?"

Jed almost laughed out loud, Leo had gotten into some scrapes over the years over nothing more serious than a misplaced comment about the Cubs. His finding out his doctor was a Sox fan was going to be fun to watch. "You're serious?"

"No, actually I'm a Senators fan, but that's a stretch these days. I was just hoping your friend there might want to talk baseball," Dr. Hester answered.

"Me too. Usually once he starts on the Cubs, you can't shut him up." Jed hesitated, something here didn't make sense. If Leo were coherent enough to follow their conversation, he wouldn't have said Cubby, he'd have said Cubbies or Cubs and then he'd have gone on and on about how frustrating it was to be a fan, and how they were cursed, and how they always managed to find a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, and how the only thing that could possibly be worse than being a die-hard Cubs fan was being a Red Sox fan. Jed knew that last bit was for him, and appreciated it, even when it was just Leo's voice talking in his head. But Leo hadn't said any of that, he'd said 'Cubby' and nothing else. Then it clicked, "Actually, I'm not sure that was baseball, Cubby is his nickname, what do you call it, call sign. Maybe he meant that?"

Hester smiled. "They call him Cubby? Why?"

"Because he's small and he looks young," Jed answered.

Hester nodded, "It's a play on lion then? That's not so bad."

"No, that would be bad enough, but there's a mouseketeer called Cubby, and that's how it started. He really hates it," Jed explained. "I guess he gets the bit about 'See you real soon' all the time."

Hester cringed, "I can see that, and of course the more the guys realize it bothers him, the more they do it."

Jed nodded, "Yeah." He was quiet for a moment. This latest outburst made even less sense than the name, rank, and serial number mantra of earlier. "He's getting worse, isn't he?"

Hester shook his head a little, "He's not worse, he's just not better. The antibiotics should be working, and I was hoping he'd be more aware by now. The vocalizations aren't indicative though, without any idea of what he's perceiving, we can't try to explain his reactions."

Jed was afraid of the answer, but he still needed to ask the question. "He's going to be brain damaged, isn't he? That's why he hasn't woken up. That's why he can't say anything coherent."

"We just don't know yet. Give him time, it's really too soon to say with any degree of certainty," Hester hedged.

"But you expect so, don't you?" Jed pressed.

"I expect there may be some lasting effects from the infection and fever, yes. That's not to say they'll necessarily be permanent," Hester replied.

Jed put his head into his hands. He honestly wasn't sure which was the worst case scenario, losing Leo completely or losing the things that made him Leo. He knew which Leo would say.

Hester touched his shoulder, "Jed. Don't give up on him, he needs you to believe."

Jed looked up, surprised, "That's the first time you've called me Jed. It's always been 'Mr. Bartlet' before."

"I'm out of uniform tonight. His squadron commander and I first met back in '45 when he was flying Thunderbolts over France and when I talked to him tonight, he asked me to look in on this young man for him. This is more of a social call, something like the uncle looking in on the kids when their dad is out of town," Hester explained.

Jed pondered that concept, that Dr. Hester could shed some of the military formality with his uniform and just be a doctor checking up on someone for a friend. The more he thought about it, there had definitely been subtle differences in his manner tonight, even beyond calling him by his first name. He needed to ask a question, and he hadn't been able to ask the senior officer, and he didn't want to ask any of the nurses either. "Isn't there something I can do for him? Something personal? He's my best friend, but I don't feel like I'm doing anything for him here. Is there some way I could help, without getting in the way or stepping on anyone's toes?"

"I think you're doing more than you realize. Things could be a lot worse, and the fact that he's holding as steady as he is may be attributable to your presence, whether he's consciously aware of it or not. He trusted you enough to give you that power of attorney, that's a pretty special friendship, and just having someone outside of the medical community on hand for a patient can be a real difference maker. I know you haven't seen any proof of that yet, but try not to let yourself forget it," Hester's tone was a uniquely Southern blend of reassurance and persuasion. "Having said all of that," he continued, "I understand your need to do something more tangible. We've been hydrating him solely with IVs, so he hasn't had anything by mouth. His lips are cracked and his throat is probably pretty sore from the trach tube. If I get someone to bring you some ice chips, you could wet his lips a little, that might make him somewhat more comfortable. Is that personal enough for you?" he asked.

That question from someone else might have been taunting, but the way Dr. Hester asked it, Jed sensed real understanding and concern. "That's perfect. Thank you."

"Is there anything else I can do for you while I'm here? You've found the cafeteria and all that, I assume. I see you've worked things out with the nurses to be around after visiting hours. Do you need a pass to get through the gate guards? Directions to the post office? Anything at all?" Hester asked.

Jed smiled, clearly the man had experience with the challenges family members had to deal with when visiting his patients. "No, I think I'm pretty well set. Thank you though, just having something I can do for him means a lot."

"All right, then, I'll stop on my way out and get a nurse to bring a cup of ice chips down." He stood slowly, pausing by Leo's bed for a long look, one of someone who's seen another side of a patient. "Son, you work on getting better, I want to be able to give Len Bock a better report come Monday. I owe him a bottle of scotch from our last chess game, and I'd hate to have him claiming another on account of not providing the expected standard of care for one of his men. You've got a whole base of guys worried about you in Southeast Asia and you're scaring your friend here, it's time to start wending your way back to us." He bowed his head very briefly and then turned towards the door. "Good night, Jed. Be sure you get some rest too." He walked out without waiting for a reply.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: The Immediate Context of History  
Author: Marcia Plome  
Fandom: The West Wing  
Characters: Jed/Leo, Jed/Abbey  
Rating: M for language, allusions to a m/m relationship, and violent references  
Disclaimer: The West Wing, its characters and storylines are the sole property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Bros. and NBC Television. What follows is for entertainment purposes only and no copyright infringement is intended.  
Spoilers: Major for events seen in flashback during "An Khe"  
Summary: Pre-administration, Jed rushes to Leo's side as he recovers from injuries resulting from being shot down and the aftermath.  
Warnings: Angst, very major angst. Slash, but well within an M rating.  
Archive: Absolutely, just let me know.

Jed settled back in his chair, both heartened and troubled by Dr. Hester's visit. On the one hand, the man was obviously an excellent physician, one that took the time to get to know his patients and treat the person, not just the disease. On the other, he was investing a lot of energy into Leo, and that just wasn't something you could do for every patient. Either he owed this Len Bock fellow more than just a bottle of scotch, or Leo's condition was dicier than anyone wanted to come out and say. He fell back into the comfortable ritual of his rosary as he waited for a nurse to bring him some ice.

When the gentle knock on the doorframe announced the presence of a young woman he hadn't met, Jed stopped, and dropped his beads back into his pocket. She smiled at him, "Col. Hester asked me to bring you a cup of ice chips. Do you want me to show you how to do it?"

Jed shook his head. "No. Thanks, but I just want to do this for him myself."

She handed him the cup and a small stack of paper towels. "Okay, just be sure that you're only wetting his lips, you don't want him to get very much water in his mouth or he might choke."

Jed nodded, "I understand, thanks."

"Call if you need anything, one of us can come help," she offered and then was gone, leaving Jed alone again, but finally with something he could do.

He pulled his chair a few inches closer to the bed, brushed his hand over Leo's forehead and through the close cropped hair above his ear. Wrapping an ice chip in a paper towel to get a better grip on it, Jed ran it lightly above Leo's upper lip, holding it just long enough to leave a wet trail that slid down onto the cracked surface. He watched as Leo's lips swelled slightly as they began to absorb the water. This was the most intimate moment they'd shared in months, and under different circumstances, it would have been powerfully erotic. Sitting here like this though, Jed was terrified that they'd never have an opportunity to explore that. He trailed the ice around Leo's mouth, stopping on a place where the lip was split. He left it there long enough to soak the scab off and blotted it away with a paper towel. Leo's lips were wet and shiny now and Jed ached for all the lost opportunities. He was so in love with this man, and this poor excuse for physical closeness was still enough to remind him of everything he'd missed for so long. Jed promised himself that when, and this time, he had to force himself to frame it in those terms, when Leo was better, he wouldn't miss another chance to tell his lover just exactly how sexy he could be. Jed had tried hard since Leo'd gone to be sure he took every opportunity to be certain the man knew how much he was loved, but there was so much he couldn't say in letters that had a dubious expectation of privacy. He wasn't going to lose him, he wasn't, but he still wished there was some way he could be sure that Leo realized just exactly how much he meant to him, and that he didn't have to face all of this alone. The ice had melted, and Jed sat there, holding the wet paper towel, and blinking hard to keep the tears from starting.

It was late, and the hospital was pretty well deserted, but even so, he couldn't risk letting himself say the things he needed to. It was too big of a risk to Leo's career, and he couldn't chance doing anything that would jeopardize his own tenuous access to the hospital. He had to believe Leo knew, but he looked over his shoulder into the hallway before bending over Leo. His lips against Leo's ear, he whispered, "Good night, old friend. Remember I love you." With that, he picked up his bag and left for the night, stopping briefly at the nurses station to let them know he was leaving.

Breakfast Saturday morning was a cup of coffee from the front desk at the hotel and a donut from a box at the nurses' station. Jed was tired, and the six hours of sleep he'd gotten didn't seem nearly enough. He was still pretty bleary eyed as he made it into Leo's room, and seeing him still lying there restrained did nothing to help his mood. "Morning Leo. I'm back." Jed stood just inside the door for a moment, sipping his coffee and studying his friend. The awful stillness from the previous days was gone. Leo seemed closer to awareness, moving slightly every ten or fifteen seconds. Nothing demonstrative or controlled, exactly, just a hand brushing against his side, his head turning on the pillow, curling the toes of his right foot. Jed thought this should be a positive sign, but instead, he felt like it was just a indication Leo wasn't comfortable. Taking his seat again, he ran a hand over Leo's forehead, trying to smooth away the line there. His lover felt warm to his touch, which wasn't new to this visit, but made the alarm bells go off in his head again. "You feeling worse today, Leo?" He didn't get a response, but took a few moments to try to comfort him with a gentle touch on his arm, and a caress to his temple. Still concerned, he went back to the nurses' station. Nurse Ferguson was sitting there, collating some charts. "Good morning," he greeted her.

She looked up with a smile, "Good morning Mr. Bartlet. Is there something I can do for you?"

"Actually, yes. Dr. Hester said I could have some ice chips to wet Leo's lips. That it might help make him a little more comfortable. He seems restless this morning, and I wondered where I could find some ice," he explained.

Lieutenant Ferguson blinked once at his description of Hester's words, and then got up. "I'll bring some in for you. Just give me a minute."

He nodded his thanks and returned to Leo. Flipping open the newspaper, he began reading it aloud just to have something to say. He'd only gotten through the front page when Nurse Ferguson brought him a cup of ice.

She handed him the ice and moved to Leo's other side. "He does look a little more flushed." She looked at his chart briefly and then ran through a quick vitals check. Noting the results, she turned back to Jed, "I'm changing his vitals checks to every half hour. Go ahead and help him out with the ice, one of us will be back in just a little while."

Jed wrapped an ice chip in a paper towel again and held it to Leo's lips. "Easy, Leo. I'm here."

Leo stirred, aware that someone was trying to give him some water. More than that, he'd heard his name, and that meant someone here knew him. Someone knew him and would take his name home. Someone could tell Jed what had happened to him. He tried to swallow and found that his throat felt like he'd been gargling razor blades. The pain that seemed to have been receding minutely over the last few times he'd managed some semblance of awareness was back with a vengeance now. His stomach burned like someone had poured acid over him. At first he thought maybe he'd just gotten that hungry, but no, this was way beyond that. He felt like there was a hole in his side and his guts were coming out. He wanted to curl into a little ball, anything to ease that fire. He knew he should try and bear up, not let on how badly he was injured, try to avoid giving his captors more ammunition with which to hurt him. Still, the pain was beyond that now, and he couldn't stop himself from the little distracting motions as wave after wave of it washed over him. Things were clearly getting worse. For all that his side was on fire and his leg still felt like it had been run through a meat grinder, he was freezing. He didn't think it would be long now, and the realization that he'd gotten his name out meant he could stop fighting it. He was going to lose this battle, that had never really been in question, but now that they knew him, he could look forward to an end of the pain instead of panicking that he would die here, unknown and unmourned.

Both Ferguson's comment and her tone made Jed nervous. Leo didn't seem that much worse, just more aware of his condition maybe. He moved the ice around Leo's mouth again, trying to convince himself that his lips looked marginally better than when he'd done this the night before. Dr. Bauer walked in while Jed was still trying to do something to make Leo feel better. Jed tensed, the last thing he needed right now was another confrontation with the doctor.

"Good morning," Bauer's tone was courteous, if cool. He picked up Leo's chart and scanned it, before repeating the vitals checks himself. Making a quick note he turned back to Jed. "Captain McGarry's fever and blood pressure are both elevated beyond yesterday's levels. I'm ordering another dose of acetaminophen, but indications are that the infection is not responding to the antibiotics. Someone will be by in another half hour and we'll reevaluate then." Bauer left without waiting for a response.

Jed tried not to let the panic sweep over him, but Bauer's level of concern made it difficult to ignore. The man was a poor excuse for a physician, and had shown no regard for his patient's comfort. That he was reacting so decisively to Leo's condition only intensified Jed's feeling that things were moving from critical to crisis. Another nurse came in momentarily with a syringe that she quickly added to Leo's IV. Jed just nodded to her and went back to his vigil by Leo's beside.

The next several checks were less eventful, with Nurse Ferguson or one of the other nurses just popping in to check Leo's vitals and make notes of them. Their professionalism didn't waver, and though there was an air of increased seriousness building, there was nothing overt to support Jed's belief that things were getting dramatically worse.

That changed when Dr. Bauer returned just after eleven. He did another vitals check himself, and took a quick look at the chart. Then walking back out into the hall he called for a nurse. It was Nurse Ferguson that appeared in the doorway moments later. "Yes, Captain?"

"McGarry's condition is deteriorating. Bring me a dressing kit, I need to take a look at this leg," he ordered.

"Yes, sir," Lieutenant Ferguson responded, hurrying off to get the required supplies.

"What's going on?" Jed asked.

Bauer frowned at the question, "Despite ongoing administration of Vancomycin, Captain McGarry's fever is rising from already elevated levels. We pushed antipyretic drugs this morning, and his fever has continued to go up. I have to believe that the infection in his leg is getting worse. I'm going to examine the wound, and then I should be able to give you a better idea of what our next steps will be."

Jed nodded, resigned to wait in silence for Nurse Ferguson's return. He moved back to lay a hand on Leo's shoulder, in an attempt to comfort his friend, but equally aware of the possessive stance he was striking.

Ferguson returned shortly with a tray of dressing material and Bauer pulled on surgical gloves in silence. He unwrapped Leo's leg and discarded the soiled dressings. Even from his place at Leo's shoulder, Jed could see the angry red lines running towards his knee, and the sickly sweet smell of gangrene made itself known again.

Bauer stepped away for a second and then, shaking his head briefly, moved back. He examined Leo's leg, his cool manner doing nothing to impede his thoroughness. After an interminable length of time, he finally wrapped the leg again. "This is dramatically worse. Lieutenant, I want you to bring some ice bags in here for his pulse points. I'm going to schedule an OR. The infection is clearly spreading and we need to go ahead and amputate before it goes systemic."

Jed heard what he said, he'd known he was going to hear that word sooner or later, but he'd allowed himself to put off his response. But hearing it aloud now, he knew what he had to do. He knew what Leo would want. "No."

Bauer swiveled to look at Jed, "What?"

"No, you aren't going to amputate his leg. He's still got a chance that the fever might come down, right? And you said that the infection hasn't gotten systemic yet. So you aren't going to amputate the leg." Jed's voice was firm, and though there was a level of electricity humming through his veins, he didn't waver in his decision.

"I don't know who you think you are, but I'm his surgeon, and I'm making the best decisions I can for his treatment. We need to go ahead and move forward with this," Bauer replied.

"I'm the one holding his power of attorney," Jed offered up a quick prayer of thanks that he'd had the foresight to keep Leo's envelope with him at all times, "and I'm the one that has to sign an informed consent form before you can do anything. And I won't. Not for that. Not while there are any other alternatives."

Bauer's jaw tightened, "You understand that if the infection goes systemic, he'll die? This isn't something you can mess around with. We need to go ahead and do this now."

Jed shook his head. "No. Treat the fever, treat the infection, do what you can for the leg, but you aren't going to amputate. That's not what he would want."

Nurse Ferguson spoke up, "Captain, without a signed consent form they won't let you book the OR."

Irritated, Bauer turned to her, "Do you think I'm unaware of that Lieutenant? Go get me those ice bags!"

Ferguson left, compliant but not intimidated, and Bauer turned back to Jed. "Fine, have it your way. We'll give it another hour and then you'll see. But if he dies, it's not going to be on my head." With that he stormed out.

Jed was too spun up to sit, and paced around the room, the panic setting in as the adrenaline wore off. The choice between Leo's leg and his life was an easy one, but despite Dr. Bauer's comments, Jed just didn't feel like they'd gotten to that point yet. Bauer didn't inspire the easy confidence that Dr. Hester did, and Jed felt like he was rushing to judgment. He pleaded with his friend, "Leo, wake up. Don't make me do this to you. Come on, old friend, please."

Nurse Ferguson returned shortly with several bags of ice. She packed them into Leo's armpits and groin, and raised his head to put one behind his neck. Jed ground his teeth and watched this take place. Finished, she looked up at him, "Jed? Listen, I know it's not my place, but I can see you must be sick over all this. I just want you to know that sooner or later, you're going to have to listen to Captain Bauer. He's not exactly giving a demonstration on good bedside manner, but he's right. If the infection goes systemic, Captain McGarry will die. Please don't let Bauer's attitude be the reason you dig in your heels over this."

He was submerged in pain now. He was surrounded by it, owned by it. Leo wanted to scream, or cry or just beg them to let him go now. None of those things were befitting an American officer though, and so he didn't let himself even consider them. There was no missing that the level of activity had increased dramatically over the last few times he'd been awake. That couldn't bode well for him, they were probably prepping for another big session and Leo could only hope that the end would be quick. Painless was already out of the question.

Jed continued pacing intermittently. There were people in and out often enough now that he couldn't develop a good rhythm and he was completely lacking the necessary privacy to either sit down and pray or to try to tell Leo all the things he wanted to say. He tried to stay out of the way, but was grateful no one had asked him to leave this time.

Dr. Bauer returned within the hour and did the most comprehensive exam Jed had witnessed. In addition to looking over the leg again, he checked the wound on Leo's side and palpated his ribs. Jed heard Leo hiss with pain. Bauer checked his reflexes and shined his penlight in Leo's eyes. Leo moved his head against the pillow, trying to avoid the bright light. Pulling a tongue depressor from a canister on the exam tray, Bauer checked his throat. Finally, he peeled his gloves off and sat down to note the results. Finished, he looked up at Jed. "The fever isn't dropping. There's no reason for his continued deterioration except the infection in the leg. His temperature is approaching 104. If you wait much longer, his brain will be tapioca even if I do manage to save him." Bauer looked over Jed's shoulder for a moment and paused. "Look, I'll give you a minute with him, but this isn't something we can stall on for much longer." He cleaned up the detritus from the exam and shut the door behind himself on the way out.

Jed knew that Bauer was doing what his training as a surgeon called for, and appreciated the moment of privacy he'd been allowed. He took Leo's hand in his, uncomfortable with the heat coming off his friend, and very aware that he literally held his friend's life in his hands at the moment. This wasn't a decision anyone should ever have to make for a loved one, much less a man as young and active as Leo was. Jed knew there was no one else Leo would want making these decisions, and he knew Leo trusted him implicitly to make the right ones. Jed wished he felt worthy of that confidence. He felt utterly alone with his responsibilities and had nothing to go on but the knowledge that Leo was a risk taker, and would think virtually any risk that gave him a chance at keeping his leg worthwhile. Something instinctive told him that they weren't out of options yet, and his instincts about Leo were something he'd come to place a lot of faith in over the years.

Dr. Bauer knocked before letting himself back into the room. "I have the consent form. Can we proceed now?"

Jed shook his head. "I'm sorry, I'm just not convinced this is what he'd want."

Bauer blew out a breath of frustration. "Mr. Bartlet, alive with one leg is better than dead with two, and he'd tell you that himself if he were awake. Prosthetics these days are really good, he'll be able to do almost everything able-bodied men can. Even if he did manage to keep the leg at this point, he'd probably never walk on it. Rehabilitation will likely be simpler for him after an amputation than it would be if he were to keep what's left of it now."

That piece of information hit Jed hard, that Leo might not be able to walk again, even if he did keep his leg. He studied the floor for a moment, wavering. Finally, he looked up and studied Dr. Bauer. "Have you done absolutely everything you can for him without amputating?"

Capt. Bauer clenched his jaw. "Amputation is the best option now. It gives him the most positive outcome and it prevents further complications."

"That's not what I asked," Jed persisted.

"Look, I can do another debridement, try to remove the necrotic tissue in his leg that's causing the infection to spread. But I have to tell you, the only thing that's going to do is further compromise his prognosis for regaining any use of the leg," Bauer countered.

"Do it," Jed replied.

Bauer glared at him, "The best option at this point is to amputate. I wouldn't be doing my job as his surgeon if I didn't tell you that. Debridement might buy a little more time, but that's all it's going to do."

"Do it," Jed repeated.

Bauer stood sharply and strode out of the room without a word.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: The Immediate Context of History  
Author: Marcia Plome  
Fandom: The West Wing  
Characters: Jed/Leo, Jed/Abbey  
Rating: M for language, allusions to a m/m relationship, and violent references  
Disclaimer: The West Wing, its characters and storylines are the sole property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Bros. and NBC Television. What follows is for entertainment purposes only and no copyright infringement is intended.  
Spoilers: Major for events seen in flashback during "An Khe"  
Summary: Pre-administration, Jed rushes to Leo's side as he recovers from injuries resulting from being shot down and the aftermath.  
Warnings: Angst, very major angst. Slash, but well within an M rating.  
Archive: Absolutely, just let me know.

Jed leaned his head against the edge of Leo's bed, aware that he was fighting a holding action, and afraid he was losing even that. "Leo, old friend, I need some help here. You've got to get better or I'm going to have to let them do it." Jed knew that Leo would never blame him for making the decision, should it come to that, but he was equally sure, whatever the outcome here eventually was, he himself would never get past it.

Bauer came back with Nurse Ferguson and a debridement tray like the one Dr. Hester had used before. He put his gloves on silently while Ferguson set up for the procedure. "What do you want to use for anesthetic, Captain?" she asked.

"I'm not anesthetizing him," Bauer replied.

She gaped at him for a moment before finding her voice, "Doctor, that's…"

"What would you have me give him, Lieutenant?" he snapped. "I'm dealing with a patient that's not conscious and who I anticipate having under general anesthetic within four hours. That contraindicates anything I'd give him now."

She shook her head, "At least give him something topical. He's been conscious enough this morning that you can't do this to him without something."

Bauer didn't respond, but he did pull something else off the shelf besides the betadine as he began to prep Leo's leg for the procedure. Jed watched him proceed and was struck by the obvious difference in Dr. Bauer's manner in comparison to Dr. Hester's. Bauer was very clearly focused on the procedure to the exclusion of the overall patient, where Dr. Hester obviously had the overall condition in the forefront of his mind even while absorbed in a procedure.

They were doing it again. Leo had enough vision this time to see blurry figures clustered around him. He tried to keep from crying out, but couldn't stop the choked cry from escaping his lips. They were cutting into his leg. He was still tied down, and there was no escaping them. It was agony, and he wanted to scream, but managed to tamp it down to an inarticulate groan. It wasn't supposed to be like this, they were supposed to ask him questions, try to get him to give up information, not just torture him for nothing. He couldn't tell them anything, but at least then enduring this pain would have meant something. Nothing could have prepared him for this, and he suffered as quietly as he could until finally there was no way to keep from begging. "No," he ground out, and then louder, "Stop, please stop."

Jed looked at Bauer, expecting him to stop. Bauer looked up, but did nothing more than to ensure that the restraints were secure before continuing. Nurse Ferguson moved to Leo's side, wiping his brow with a gauze square.

Where were the other prisoners now, Leo asked himself. This was beyond just cutting into him for sadistic pleasure, they were cutting his leg off. Maybe it was medical; the punchout did leave his left leg in pretty bad shape. He just wished he'd have died there under the leaves, instead of in some prison camp with NVA monsters hacking him into pieces. He knew there was nothing anyone could do for him. The other prisoners would be locked in their cells, or enduring interrogations themselves. Even if they could hear him, trying to do anything would only cause them to get the same kind of treatment. He didn't wish that for anyone, but he also couldn't stop himself from his next statement. "Oh God! Not my leg, please don't let them take my leg!" The monsters were cutting it off with him awake.

Jed watched helplessly as Leo clenched his fists and ground his jaw against the pain, each cry that escaped his lips like acid etching Jed's own soul. Jed crossed himself involuntarily as Leo arced just slightly off the bed. The combination of that movement with the pain from Bauer's debridement seemed to blow him past the barriers of tolerance and it was with a considerable sense of relief that Jed watched him collapse unconscious again.

Bauer looked to Ferguson before continuing what he was doing, "Status?"

Her voice was hard when she answered, "He's breathing, Captain."

"BP and pulse," Bauer ordered.

Jed had removed himself to the corner through this, sick at watching the goings on but not about to leave. With Leo blessedly unaware again, Jed leaned against the wall, trying to steady the case of shakes that had taken hold when Leo had made his plea for help. By the time his knees had started to support him again, Bauer was bandaging Leo's leg.

Captain Bauer stripped his gloves off and tossed them into the medical waste bag. "Clean things up in here Lieutenant. We'll check his temperature every ten minutes to see if it's coming down at all." He didn't even look at Jed on his way out of the room.

Jed pulled his chair up to the edge of Leo's bed. He sat there, rubbing circles into Leo's palm with his thumb and letting the buzz of activity flow around him without being a part of it. He knew he should be trying to comfort his friend, but he couldn't bring himself to lie to him. Any hope of getting Leo back the way he'd sent him off had dwindled into the realm of near impossibilities. Even if he let them take the leg now, would Leo have enough brain function left to regain any quality of life? Clearly, amputating Leo's leg was the right decision if it meant saving his life and getting him back. But what if it meant condemning him to the half life of a mentally compromised shell of the man he'd been? Dr. Hester, and for that matter Abbey, had warned him from the beginning that there was a real risk that the three days in the jungle would make even the heroic measures since then just an exercise. Jed asked himself if the Leo he loved would have thanked him for saving his life if it didn't also mean saving his mind. He'd been wavering, watching Dr. Bauer cut into his friend like that had almost convinced him that his obstinance was only delaying the inevitable and causing Leo needless pain. Leo's cry not to let them take the leg had changed that, hardened Jed's resolve. Maybe some part of Leo was aware on some level, maybe it was a sign that cutting off the leg wasn't going to be enough to make a difference. Part of him still felt Bauer was just wrong about everything, but if saving the leg meant he was going to lose Leo, maybe his friend was trying to tell him that was okay.

Losing him was a possibility Jed had dealt with from the day he'd watched him get on the plane at Heathrow. Somehow though, his nightmares had been filled with the images of a jet exploding in a giant ball of fire. He'd never imagined he might have to sit by his lover's side, powerless to comfort him as he burned up from within, scared, terrified, believing he was being tortured. Worst of all, Jed felt, was that through the whole ordeal, despite the fact that he'd give anything to change this fact, Leo thought he was dying alone, in a prison far from home, not in a warm, clean hospital with the person who loved him most in the world sitting next to him. Still unable to offer real hope, he blocked out everything going on around him, and just reminded his friend he was there. "Hey Leo, I'm here, old friend. You're not alone, I'll be right next to you all the way, okay? Just don't give up on me. Keep fighting, you can make it. I know you can."

Bauer came back in and cut straight to the point, "Have you had enough? Can we get on with this now?"

Jed jerked to his feet. "He told you himself that's not what he wants. You're missing something, there has to be another option."

Bauer barked a short laugh, "You're listening to him now? I'm not sure which of you is more delusional. Keep it up and I'll get you declared incompetent and then maybe I can save him."

The fire was running in his veins again and Jed took a step towards the young doctor. "You're an asshole. I know I'm not the first person to tell you that."

"I'm not the one killing his best friend. Go take a look in the mirror before you start name-calling," Bauer growled.

Jed wanted nothing so much as to grab him by the lapels of his lab coat and throw him bodily from the room. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

"I'm the surgeon that can save his life. All your praying, tears, and hand holding aren't going to make a whit of difference if you don't let me do my job. Listen, I respect what you're trying to do, be the one here looking out for his interests, be sure he's getting appropriate care. But you've done your part as the friend. There isn't anything else you can do for him, you need to let me be the doctor now," Bauer argued.

Jed's reply was cut off by the sudden violent spasms from the bed behind him.

Bauer was only a microsecond behind Jed reaching Leo's side. The convulsions were awful to watch, and there was nothing to be done but be sure Leo didn't hurt himself. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally stopped. Bauer called into the hall for a nurse and went about examining him again. He interrupted his exam only briefly to order the nurse to bring a cart of ice bags.

His animosity towards the doctor no longer an issue, Jed stared helplessly at his friend. "What's happening?"

"The fever has gotten so high he's seizing. It's just lucky that he didn't puncture a lung, or do something else that would push him over the edge." The tone in Bauer's voice was one of concern, not accusation, but Jed couldn't help but hear the implication that this was his fault. "His body can't take much more of this. I'm going to lose a patient, and it's going to be because you're too stubborn to listen to reason."

The nurse returned with a mountain of the blue ice bags, and Bauer supervised as she packed them around Leo and stacked more on his chest. Jed watched her work with his heart in his throat and she gave him an apologetic look before leaving.

Jed dug his fingernails into his palm before throwing Bauer's words back at him, "Something tells me he won't be the first patient you've lost. At least this time you'll be able to blame someone else."

Bauer opened his mouth, but no words came out. Jed watched him gape like a fish out of water for another moment, his eyes shooting daggers, before he stomped out into the hall.

Jed slumped against the wall, waiting for the fallout of this latest outburst and watching Leo cling to life there in the bed.

The door to the room was still open, and Jed heard a shout from down the hall, followed by a crash as something heavy connected with a wall.

He moved to stand in the doorway, not wanting to be in the middle of this, but not wanting to miss it either. Bauer was bent over the counter at the nurses' station, breathing hard. The remains of a telephone lay scattered on the floor.

Jed watched another man in a lab coat take Bauer by the arm. "Get a grip on yourself, Captain. This is no place for temper tantrums."

"They should have just cut the leg off in Udorn, saved this whole mess. It was rotten even then, and they knew it, they just wanted to make it someone else's problem," Bauer raged.

The other doctor released his arm with a movement that was almost a shove. "Fuck you Bauer, I used to be one of those surgeons. If you had the balls to go over and do it, you'd know they do the best they can. Why amputate a leg on a guy you're sending home anyway? It's only luck he's made it this long, but if you were half the surgeon those guys are you wouldn't be sweating losing him now."

"The hell you know about it. I wouldn't be sweating saving him if this asshole long hair would let me do my job. I'm going to lose the patient because some goddamn civilian won't stop waving a piece of paper under my nose," Bauer had at least redirected his anger towards his original target, Jed reflected.

"Bauer, you lose that kid and the old man is going to have your head. Maybe you'd better get him on the phone. I wouldn't want to be you if he walks in here Monday morning to find out that kind of news. Rumor has it that Boarhog Bock made a phone call from Thailand to check on this kid, and you know how far the colonel goes back with Bock, right?" the doctor asked.

Bauer glared at him, clearly angry at having his medical expertise doubted. "I don't have to check in with the colonel on patient care decisions. All I need to do is amputate, it's as simple as that. I can't be held responsible if some civilian keeps me from doing my job."

"Look, the colonel has taken a personal interest in this case. You try that line about not being responsible with him, and you won't have a job to be kept from doing. If you want to spend the rest of your career doing strep throat checks on dependents in Greenland, you just go ahead and let this kid die. Otherwise, you'll need a dime for the phone." The doctor slammed a coin onto the counter and left Bauer to his decision.

Jed watched, his heart in his throat again, as Bauer stared at the counter for a long moment and then walked off in the opposite direction of Leo's room. Jed wondered if he should go after him, beg him to call Hester, maybe even apologize. He finally decided he would likely only make things worse, and that his place, as always, was by Leo's side.

The hubbub had died down somewhat, and Jed told himself it wasn't a sense of inevitability that the nurses were projecting. Lieutenant Ferguson hadn't been back, and Jed didn't know any of the others well enough to ask for their opinion. He took advantage of the relative peace to bow his head and really pray. He'd been taught to pray as a very young boy, and he sent little notes of praise or need up almost instinctively. He could say the rosary while driving, or in the middle of another conversation. That didn't take anything away from what it meant to him or his sincerity in saying it, it was just that the ritual there centered him enough that he didn't have to go looking for a meditative state. But finding the right spiritual place to be able to make a truly thoughtful, needful prayer was different, and Jed struggled a little to shut out his surroundings and find the place inside himself where he needed to be. He finally carved out an island of calm, and made it just big enough for himself and Leo. The Leo in his mind now wasn't the one before him suffering and dying, but rather the one for whose return Jed was praying, the one with shining eyes and an easy grin. Having gotten established, Jed felt himself slip into the state that'd he'd come to associate with an almost grace over the years, and formed his prayers in the raw emotion of his heart instead of focusing too much on the words.

Bent over Leo's bed, one hand on his friend's forehead, he slowly came back to his surroundings. It was just them in the room at the moment, and Jed clung to the fragile sense of optimism that his prayers had brought him. He had the abiding sense that things would be all right. Not necessarily that Leo would live, but that in the greater scheme of things, he would be taken care of, and that even if Jed lost him now, it didn't mean losing him forever. He was still trying to align this new subconscious sense of security with the abject terror that threatened to overcome him at the very idea of facing the rest of his life without Leo when Nurse Ferguson put a hand on his shoulder.

She answered the question in his eyes, "Try to help him hold on. Col. Hester's on his way."

The surge of relief that went through him was palpable, and Jed didn't have the words to answer her. She left him with a brief touch and a reassuring smile. Jed didn't know if this was an answer to his prayer, but he'd take it. If anyone could do anything for Leo at this point, it would be Dr. Hester. At the very least, Jed would have the comfort of knowing that everything that could be done, had been done. He redirected his attention to Leo, still as disconcertingly motionless as he had been since passing out during the debridement. "Hang in there a little longer, old friend. Don't give up on me now." He couldn't lose Leo now, not after everything he'd already made it through, not with help very literally on the way. Sitting there with his hand on Leo's chest, Bauer's words came back to him. Maybe the hand holding wouldn't save him, but if it held him here a little longer, maybe that would be enough.

The school was on fire. He had to get them out of here. He had to let people know. Leo didn't have the breath for it, it felt like someone had his chest in a giant vise. He knew even as he gasped for air that what he had to do was going to hurt, but he couldn't let that stop him. There were little kids in here, people needed to get them out. "Fire! Get out! The building's on fire!" Just the effort required for that much was like stabbing a red hot poker into his side. Something was wrong, he realized. He'd been here before, this wasn't real. He'd gotten those kids out, he'd gotten Beth out. He couldn't breathe then either, but it wasn't because his chest was in a vise, it had been his lungs on fire then. He took inventory again. His side and his leg were in flames, but his head, chest and arms were freezing. It came back to him in a rush, it wasn't the fire he was dying in this time, it was a POW camp in some jungle impossibly far from that Chicago church. He was too tired to keep fighting, and he was in so much pain now he was ready to let the darkness win. He'd heard about your life flashing before your eyes, but he'd always expected it was just something you watched, not something you had to relive. He didn't think he could do this again, not this memory. Why couldn't it be a happy memory he got to relive? He thought one with Jed would be a good one to go out on. It wasn't going to be like that though, and as badly as he wanted this to be over, he couldn't just give up. He struggled for one more breath, realized it wasn't coming, and panicked. Not with a bang, but with a whimper. No! He wasn't done, they could kill him, but he wouldn't surrender. He opened his eyes, imagined Jed there holding on to him. Amazing what the mind could do as it let loose its mortal hold. Found the strength for another breath. Things worth dying for. Fuck them, they weren't getting anything from him. If this were the last surge before death, he'd be sure they knew he'd been defiant to the last. Someone was there, he could sense another person, though he couldn't be sure if it were another American or one of the North Vietnamese. Whoever it was, he'd do his part for the fighter pilot mystique and leave them with something to talk about. He tried to force a grin, "I'm an American officer, can't tell you anything." That had taken everything he had left, and he felt his vision fading. There was a figure walking towards him. An escort? Someone to walk the last mile with him? They'd buried his Da in his dress blues, a fireman to the end, and Leo recognized the uniform before things faded out.

Jed's heart had broken when Leo said fire. It's not like he wasn't going through enough anyway, he had to imagine he was back there, of all places? He'd raged a little at the injustice of it all, and stopped fighting the tears that blurred his vision. "You're not there Leo. It's me, Jed, we're in a hospital in California. Just hold on."

The BANG! from behind him startled him such that he jumped to his feet. Dr. Hester had thrown the door open with enough force that it bounced on its hinges. The difference between last night's relaxed, casual visit and this appearance was breathtaking. Hester was in full dress uniform, his chest covered in medals, the white of his bowtie and vest standing out against the dark blue jacket. Jed looked back down to see Leo's eyes open again, but they weren't focusing, just staring through him. He watched as Leo took another breath, dismayed at the effort it seemed to cost him. He looked back at Dr. Hester, desperate for some sign that he could make things better, and thus missed Leo's comment.

Col. Hester was on his other side then, "It's all right Captain. You don't have to tell them anything, you're home now."

Jed watched in awe as Hester cleared the ice bags off Leo's chest and tossed them on a cart that Nurse Ferguson had just brought in. He had the stethoscope on Leo's chest and the whole room seemed to hold its breath as he listened. He stopped and draped the stethoscope around his neck while Ferguson rattled off Leo's latest statistics. Jed found the stethoscope around the neck look to be somewhat incongruous with the impeccably turned out formal uniform, but the observation only hammered home how unusual a physician Dr. Hester was.

He'd pulled gloves on without even removing his jacket and was unwrapping Leo's leg when he ordered Ferguson to find Captain Bauer. When Hester suddenly stopped what he was doing and peeled off his gloves, Jed thought he'd finished. It was only when he managed to get a fresh set of gloves on just as the alarm by Leo's bed sounded that Jed realized he was functioning on another plane of awareness. Hester already had the mask over Leo's nose and mouth. "Son, you're making this more difficult than it needs to be." He was still bagging Leo when Bauer came through the door.

Hester looked up at him, "Captain, intubate the patient, I'm not done with my exam."

If Bauer resented taking orders like that, he didn't show it, he just reached for gloves and the intubation kit. "Yes sir," he replied.

With Bauer intubating, Hester returned to the exam, "The leg doesn't look discernibly different than it did last night, but he's clearly got an infection raging. Did you exam the abdominal wound?"

"Yes sir," Bauer replied without looking up from Leo.

Bauer cut the bandages off Leo's side, something Jed noted Bauer had obviously not done that afternoon. With one hand on top of the other, he examined Leo's side. Almost instantaneously, he barked at Ferguson, "Call upstairs and get me an OR." Then to Bauer, "Abdomen is rigid and distended. We've got a ruptured intestine in there somewhere and he's gone septic on us. You didn't see this on examination?"

Hester's tone was neither berating, or accusing, but even so, the blood drained from Bauer's face when he answered simply, "No sir."

"All right," Hester nodded, "Get a gurney in here and let's get him upstairs."

He took Jed by the arm and led him into the hall. "I don't have very much time, but you need to know what's happening."

Jed was too overwhelmed by everything that had happened in the last few minutes to resist. He stood there mutely waiting for whatever Hester had to tell him.

"Captain McGarry is in sepsis from an underlying infection. It's my medical opinion, based on his chart and my exam, that the infection is actually peritonitis from a ruptured intestine secondary to the bullet wound in his abdomen and not cellulitis from the leg wound." He looked at Jed to make sure he was following this and then continued, "I need to know if you want me to take him into surgery and try to repair any rupture I might find. Surgery like that can be tricky under the best conditions. In his condition, well, I wouldn't risk putting him through it if I thought we had anything at all to lose. It's your choice though. I can give him enough morphine to make him comfortable for however long it takes, or I can take him upstairs and give it my best shot. I just don't want to give you any unrealistic expectations."

The gurney arrived and Hester looked to Jed. "I'm sorry to have to rush you, but minutes count right now. What do you want me to do?"

Jed didn't hesitate. Leo would want to go out fighting. If Dr. Hester was offering him a chance, any chance at all, it was one he'd want to take. "Go ahead with the surgery."

Hester nodded once and then moved back into the room to take Leo's injured side as they moved him from the bed to the gurney. Even after getting the breathing tube in, Bauer had stood there and bagged Leo, and he continued as they rolled the gurney out of the room and towards the elevator. Dr. Hester motioned for Jed to follow them. "I'm going to make an incision and open the peritoneum. Then I'll have to suction out the cavity and lavage the area. At that point, I'll look for the rupture and attempt to repair it." Hester had stripped off the top layers of his uniform as they rode up in the elevator. As they stepped off, he pointed Jed towards the waiting area. "I'll come find you when we're finished. Surgery like this can take several hours, but let the floor nurse know if you're leaving, just in case I need to find you sooner." He gave Jed a reassuring squeeze to the shoulder and hurried through the double doors towards the surgical suites.


	8. Chapter 8

Title: The Immediate Context of History  
Author: Marcia Plome  
Fandom: The West Wing  
Characters: Jed/Leo, Jed/Abbey  
Rating: M for language, allusions to a m/m relationship, and violent references  
Disclaimer: The West Wing, its characters and storylines are the sole property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Bros. and NBC Television. What follows is for entertainment purposes only and no copyright infringement is intended.  
Spoilers: Major for events seen in flashback during "An Khe"  
Summary: Pre-administration, Jed rushes to Leo's side as he recovers from injuries resulting from being shot down and the aftermath.  
Warnings: Angst, very major angst. Slash, but well within an M rating.  
Archive: Absolutely, just let me know.

Jed knew what Dr. Hester hadn't exactly said, that it could be a lot sooner if Leo didn't make it. He tried not to dwell on that as he found a couch in the waiting area and collapsed onto it. He took a moment to gather his thoughts. What do you do while you're waiting for the doctors to tell you if your best friend is going to live or die? Too strung out to offer coherent prayers, and reluctant to offer up his panic-laced stream of consciousness, he got up and paced a little. He was exhausted, and pacing wasn't helping. Finally he found the floor nurse and told her he had to make a phone call.

"'Lo?" Abbey's voice told him he'd woken her up.

"Shit, babe, I'm sorry, I completely forgot about the time difference," he apologized.

"It's all right. I'm on call tonight anyway, thought it was work. How are you?" she asked.

"Not good," he answered, and then paused, unsure of how to put the last few days into words, and not quite knowing what he expected her to be able to do anyway.

"My God, Jed. Is he…" she didn't finish the question.

"No," he hastily reassured her. "No, but it doesn't look good. They've got him in surgery now." He recounted the events of the day, his fights not to let them amputate, the image of Leo packed in ice like a haddock at the fishmonger's, Dr. Hester's return in full uniform to vindicate his adamant refusal to let Bauer cut, the dire warnings not to get his hopes up.

She listened sympathetically, making comforting noises, but just letting him tell it. He marveled at her ability to understand what he needed. No one else could give him the perspective of someone who loved them both, and yet understood the medical realities. When he'd finished, she gave him the absolution that he'd subconsciously sought. "I think you've done exactly what he would want."

Jed hoped so, that goal had underpinned every decision he'd made, but it was so good to hear someone else say it. "Do you think I should call Josie?"

"To tell her what?" she responded.

Jed hesitated, "I don't know. Tell them how bad things are, I guess."

"You told them things were bad when you called before. I don't think you're going to help matters by calling them now. You'll just have them sitting by the phone waiting for news. Call when you know something. A couple more hours isn't going to change anything for them, and by then you'll have something definitive to tell them about Leo," she suggested.

Whether or not she was right, he didn't trust himself to be able to give Josie and Beth this kind of news. Leo protected them, insulated them from this sort of thing, and Jed just didn't know how to do that, exactly. Abbey's rationale for waiting was good enough for him. He needed to get back to the waiting area, and while he ached for Abbey's touch and to be in bed with her waking from this nightmare, there wasn't much else she could do. "Abbey, pray for him? Please?" he begged.

"Incessantly, love," she responded. "Call me when you know, okay?"

"I will. I love you. Kiss Lizzie," he said.

"I love you too. Both of you," she answered. "Bye Jed."

"Bye." He waited until he heard the click as she hung up before returning the handset to its cradle.

He got back to the couch in the waiting area and slumped back against it. Dr. Hester hadn't come looking for him, and that was a good thing, at least for now. Jed knew there was a window of long enough without being too long, but he didn't even think they'd gotten there yet. He pulled his rosary out of his pocket, and devoted himself to working through all fifteen decades, this time in Latin.

He finally finished, still undisturbed. His time sense had abandoned him, and he sat there, wondering how long it had been since they'd taken Leo into surgery. He got up and made a circuit of the waiting area. No news was still good news, he supposed, but the waiting was getting harder. He settled back onto the couch, staring ahead of him and letting his eyes unfocus. He was too tired to think, he'd said everything there was to say, and there was nothing left to do but wait. He did so in a mental place that demanded nothing from him but existence and considered the space between the seconds.

He hadn't budged when Dr. Hester found him. He'd pulled his surgical mask down, but it still dangled around his neck. His light blue scrubs had the Air Force emblem on the chest pocket and blood splattered over much of the shirt. **Leo's** blood, Jed amended to himself. Hester's posture was guarded, not that of a man bearing happy news. Jed couldn't bring himself to ask the question.

Hester didn't make him. "Come with me. He's holding on, but I don't think it's going to be much longer."

Amazing how the heart could soar and plummet in the span of just one phrase. "What happened?" Jed asked.

"I lost him on the table," Hester answered. "Twice. There was just so much waste in the peritoneum. I've never seen something like that in a kid that wasn't already dead. I think it must have ruptured some time yesterday, and for him to have hung on like he did, I can't imagine his pain threshold… He's a trooper." Hester pressed his hands against the bones above his eyes, "He went into septic shock on the table, and all the fluids we were running through him were just running back out. I finally found the rupture, but repairing it was another issue. I ultimately got it done, but by then, he'd been under for so long, and we'd had to shock him back twice." He scrubbed a hand through his hair and sighed before saying the rest. "He was down for a long time. His fever has plateaued, but his blood pressure is so low I don't think he's going to wake up. We normally don't let family members into post-op, but I think you need a chance to say goodbye." Seeing Jed stumble and stop, Hester took him by the elbow and held him in place. "Oh, son, I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have told you all of that, it's just that he seems like such a special kid, and I really thought we had a chance going in. I did everything I could, but he was just too far gone."

Jed nodded, finding his voice to comfort the man who'd made these last days bearable, and who'd made a superhuman last effort, "I know you did."

They arrived in the post-op ward, Leo in the only occupied bed. Blood hung from one IV, another bottle of clear fluid from the other. New bandages swathed his torso and his leg. The tube was gone though, and he was breathing for himself, if slower and shallower than he had been before surgery. He started to take the steps towards Leo's bedside, but Dr. Hester stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "Jed. I know you want to hold on to him, but don't prolong this for him. You can stay here for however long it takes, but if he needs you to tell him it's okay, don't refuse him that. Keeping him here like this, well, I can't imagine he'd want that."

Jed knew what he was being told, and he knew Dr. Hester was right. He'd be able to be with Leo right up to the end though, and that was something. He blinked hard, trying not to let the tears start until they were alone. "He wouldn't, and I won't."

Hester just nodded. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

There was something that remained to be done, and Jed hadn't let himself go there before now, because it would have felt too much like giving up. It was time now though, and further delay would just be wrong. "Find me a priest."

Hester bowed his head, realizing what it was Jed was asking, and then turned without a word to see to it.

Jed sat by Leo's bed and waited for the priest. He stroked his cheek, in what was just shy of an overt caress. He was beyond caring about decorum, and besides, no priest, not even a military chaplain, would ever judge him harshly for compassion at the bedside of a dying friend. "Not yet, Leo. Just a little longer now."

Leo woke next to feel a gentle, comforting hand on his forehead move to softly brush his eyes. This was so drastically different from the pain he'd come to expect with consciousness that it took him a moment to even process it. There was talking too, but it was too quiet, or too far away for him to be able to make out. They were touching his ears, why his ears? Leo realized with a shock as each hand was carefully touched that someone was performing the Last Rites on him. Things were bad then, well, Leo admitted to himself, that wasn't exactly news. If he were being honest with himself, he'd really thought it was over the last time he'd been awake. He was surprised they'd bothered to bring him a priest, he didn't think the NVA did that. Maybe they'd captured a chaplain at some point? He supposed that was possible. He wasn't Catholic enough anymore to fear dying unshriven, but he knew this would have mattered immensely to Jed. Wherever he was, that was his biggest regret, that he hadn't had a chance to say goodbye, and that Jed wouldn't know what had happened. This sacrament was for Jed then, Leo decided, as the priest anointed his feet, one last rite of friendship for a man he'd loved like no one else.

Having finished anointing Leo, the priest turned to Jed. "Will you make his responses in the Eucharist?"

Jed nodded and watched silently as the priest quickly removed the necessary items from his case. He made the responses from long memory, his words just a murmur. Though he knew it was occasionally done, he was still surprised to see the priest touch the Host to Leo's lips before placing it on Jed's tongue. Then dripping a small amount of the Blood onto his thumb, the priest ran it lightly over Leo's lips, ensuring that he had, at least in form, received both elements of the Eucharist. They said a concluding prayer, and the Last Rites were over.

Jed felt the awful sense of finality that he'd done everything he could do. There was nothing left but to say goodbye and to tell Leo how much he loved him.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" the priest asked.

Jed shook his head no, "Thank you, but I think I just want to be alone with him now."

"I understand. The doctors said it probably wouldn't be long, call me if you need someone when it's over," the priest offered, reaching his hand out in parting.

Jed held the handshake an instant longer than he usually would have, taking what comfort he could from the priest's last kindness. With post-op empty tonight, Jed had the privacy he needed, but he didn't know where to start. How do you say goodbye like this? How do you tell someone you'd lay down your own life if it meant saving theirs? That no one else could ever take this place in your life? There was still part of him that wanted to beg his friend to hold on, to fight just a little bit longer. Jed wasn't ready to let him go, couldn't bring himself to accept that there wasn't any more hope.

Leo was aware of a thin string pulling him back to consciousness. He was beyond any understanding of time or place now, just floating in a dark well of pain and hopelessness. He wasn't sure how the transition between life and death worked, but he knew he was somewhere between one and the other. He was ready to go on, ready for this whole nightmare existence to be over. There was nothing left for him to do now, nothing left for them to ask him, nothing left for them to hurt. He just needed to let go, to be released from all of this and find out what came next. Everything that mattered was over now, and he saw a light in the darkness. It felt warm and safe and that was all he wanted anymore, that light meant home, and every fiber of his being wanted that.

Leo's mouth moved and Jed leaned close and strained to hear. He worked at it for a moment, and all Jed could hear was his wet, shallow breathing, but finally he got out, "Please, just let me go home," just loud enough for Jed to make out.

He took Leo's hand, no longer caring about the IV, and gave in to the tears he'd fought since the priest had left. Dr. Hester had told him that Leo might need permission to let go, and Jed had withheld that permission, unable to differentiate being the line that kept him tethered to this mortal life from being the anchor that kept him from sailing on to the life hereafter. But Leo had asked him now, and Jed knew he couldn't stand in his way any longer. There wasn't anything else left to say, and he owed Leo the last choice. Making no effort to stop his tears from falling on Leo's face and hands, Jed gave his leave. "I love you, and if I live to be one hundred, that'll never diminish, but if it's too much now old friend, then go be with Him. He's saving you a place at His side."

Jed thought he felt the slightest of squeezes before Leo's hand went slack in his grip. Jed sat there, watching him, expecting every breath to be his last. Finally, content that there was nothing else to do, he put his head down on the edge of the bed and, Leo's hand still in his, rested his tired eyes.

Leo was warm, and almost comfortable. He remembered thinking the next time he woke up he'd be making an accounting to St. Peter, but if Heaven were just clean sheets and relief from pain, that was good enough for him. He was too tired to give it any more thought just then.

The next time he found any sense of awareness, it was to realize that this smelled like a hospital. He was home somewhere. He didn't even care where he was, but he was out of that camp, and he was clean and bandaged and no one was trying to hurt him. The relief that washed over him was enough to make him cry, but he couldn't hold onto his new reality that long. He was too weak to even open his eyes, too out of it to sense anything beyond this sweetly welcome sense of home, but it was enough and Leo let go again, into the warm darkness that was so inviting.

He could hear the rhythmic tones of medical machinery, but rather than be annoyed that the noise had pulled him from blissful sleep, he reveled in the tangible reminder that he'd survived hell and was safe. It was just good to be alive. If he were honest with himself, he'd been expecting to die ever since he'd gotten the first good look at his leg after they'd punched out. That he'd survived not only days in the jungle, but an untold nightmare imprisonment in the camp, whatever else happened in his life was gravy. He knew he was pretty beat up, and he was dismayed by an incredible sense of weakness. His chest still felt tight, but it wasn't the awful inability to breathe anymore. He could tell they'd given him some pretty strong drugs, and while his leg still hurt, it wasn't the torture it had been before. There was a new warmth against his right side, and he was shocked to see the back of a man's head tucked neatly against the edge of the bed. He looked harder. Either he was still pretty out of it, or something had happened that he didn't understand. He knew that head. He knew that hair, and he tried to reach a hand up to stroke through it but only managed to twitch his fingers. He was sure he was awake, but if Jed were really here, that didn't make any sense. Where the hell was he and what had happened? He lay there, trying to put the puzzle together and aware he was missing some important pieces.

He slipped in and out of the edges of sleep this time, so intent on figuring things out that he wasn't aware of just how tired he was. If Jed were exhausted enough to be asleep by Leo's hospital bed, he must have been through some hellacious times. Leo strained and remembered vaguely having imagined Jed by his bed once in the camp. Was it possible the camp had all been some delusion? But no, he'd imagined his Da too, and that was obviously just the invention of a desperate mind. Once in a while the NVA sent a pilot home as a propaganda tool, usually the ones that were only going to die in a day or two anyway. Maybe he'd been that desperately hurt that they'd shipped him home? He wanted to wake Jed up and ask him, but he couldn't do that to his friend. If things were bad enough that Jed had felt compelled to come be at his side, he'd no doubt had to watch some pretty rocky stuff. If he were able to get a little rest now, Leo wasn't about to disturb him. Content that Jed was there, and everything would be explained to him soon enough, Leo relaxed on the pillow, savoring the soft comfort as something he'd taken for granted for too long.

This time when he woke it was with a vague memory of the sound of rotors and then chaos. There was music lurking at the edge of that memory and that didn't make any sense either. None of that would make sense if he'd been in a POW camp somewhere, but how to explain the torture sessions otherwise? Jed needed to wake up and explain all this to him. The drugs were starting to get a little light and his body was beginning to remind him that however it might have happened, the insults and injuries were more than just a nightmare. He wasn't in all that much pain, but he wanted to know what had happened. He knew about the leg, of course, and he'd suspected he'd cracked a couple of ribs, but whatever he'd done to his side had happened later, and he didn't remember that at all. What kind of a hospital was this anyway? It was about time someone came to check on him. Bored, hurting, but still unwilling to wake Jed, he lay back and tried to remember.

Jed woke with a crick in his neck, and eased away from Leo. He had no idea how long it had been, but Leo felt warm and alive next to him. Holding his breath, he watched as his friend's chest rose and fell in what looked like normal breathing. Immensely relieved, and more than a little surprised, he hurried away to find the nurse.

He found her outside of post-op, at a small desk there. "Excuse me, do you know if Dr. Hester is still in the hospital?"

She gave him a sad look, "The captain has passed on?"

Jed frowned at her misconception. "No! No, not at all. In fact, he's looking more comfortable than he has in days. Is Dr. Hester still here?"

She looked up with an expression of disbelief. "Yes, I believe he's asleep in his office. I'll page him right now."

Jed paced by the door to post-op while he waited.

Hester came in at a jog. "McGarry's still holding on?"

Jed nodded. "Better than that."

Hester grinned, "Son of a bitch. That kid's got more lives than a cat." Looking between Leo and Jed, he asked, "You and I both need some coffee. Why don't you see if you can run some down while you give me a minute to examine him?"

Jed knew when he was being told to make room, and given that it was Hester, he went without argument and with only a little reluctance.


	9. Chapter 9

Title: The Immediate Context of History

Author: Marcia Plome

Fandom: The West Wing

Characters: Jed/Leo, Jed/Abbey

Rating: M for language, allusions to a m/m relationship, and violent references

Disclaimer: The West Wing, its characters and storylines are the sole property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Productions, Warner Bros. and NBC Television. What follows is for entertainment purposes only and no copyright infringement is intended.

Spoilers: Major for events seen in flashback during "An Khe"

Summary: Pre-administration, Jed rushes to Leo's side as he recovers from injuries resulting from being shot down and the aftermath.

Warnings: Angst, very major angst. Slash, but well within an M rating.

Archive: Absolutely, just let me know.

Leo had heard voices, but still wasn't sure enough of his surroundings to want to give himself away.

"All right Captain, can you open your eyes for me?"

The voice wasn't altogether unfamiliar, but Leo couldn't place it. Still, he knew the tones of a senior officer when he heard them, and he opened his eyes a little. The man he saw was in scrubs, older and somewhat haggard looking.

"Son of a bitch! I don't remember the last time I was this wrong about a patient. Son, it's good to have you back with us," the doctor said.

Leo tried to smile. He didn't have that much experience in hospitals, but he figured any doc that greeted his patients with 'son of a bitch' must be a pretty okay guy.

"I'm Col. Hester. I'm supervising your care. Col. Bock would want me to tell you that all the guys at Tahkli are pulling for you." He'd pulled a physician's stool up to the bed. "All right, I need to run through a couple of quick checks. Can you squeeze my hand?" he asked, holding Leo's in his.

Leo tried, sure that he wasn't squeezing as hard as an infant could, but happy to be able to do that much, and happy to be doing it in an American hospital with an Air Force doc. Hester repeated the tests on the other side, and then had him wiggle his right toes. He didn't ask anything about the other leg, a fact that didn't escape Leo's attention.

"All right, I need to take a quick look at your eyes. This will be a little uncomfortable, but only for a minute." Taking his penlight out, he shined it in each of Leo's eyes.

Leo forced himself not to flinch away from the light. True to Hester's word, it started a sharp headache, but he was quick and the pain faded as Leo lay there with his eyes shut again.

"Doing great, Captain. Now I need to ask you a couple of questions. Can you tell me your name?" Hester asked.

Leo opened his mouth, but his throat was so dry he couldn't form the words. He mouthed them, "McGarry, Leo T."

Hester smiled and made a tick on a chart. "Throat's pretty dry, I imagine. We'll get you something for that in just a minute. Do you know where you are?"

Leo looked up, trying to indicate he wasn't entirely sure, and mouthed, "Hospital."

"Yes, on Travis AFB, in California." Hester clarified. "Okay. Do you know what day it is?"

Leo had no idea. They gone up for that mission, what the 10th? He wasn't even sure about that, and he had no clue how long it had been since then. "May?" he mouthed.

"May 18th," he looked at his watch, "well, 19th now. Do you know who the president is?"

Leo knew, some fucker had shot Jack Kennedy and they were stuck with a man who didn't know what to do with the office. With no voice, his options to show disdain were limited, but he tried to sneer as he mouthed the letters, "LBJ."

Hester smiled, whether at the answer or the expression, Leo couldn't be sure. "All right Captain, it seems like you're back with us. I have to tell you, it was a near thing. I'll have them take you back downstairs to your room and I'll be in to check on you later this morning. Do you have any questions for me?" Hester asked.

Did he have any questions? That was a laugh, but with no voice, and already worn out from the exam, he settled on the one thing he had to know. Raising his eyebrows to indicate his confusion he mouthed, "POW?"

Hester's expression fell. "No, son. You weren't captured. They picked you up and took you to Udorn, and from Udorn here. Your bear got out too, Bock tells me he was treated for dehydration and cuts and bruises and he's already been up in the air again."

Leo blinked at that, nothing made sense, if he hadn't been captured, he needed a lot of things explained. The rest of the colonel's words made it through his murky consciousness and Leo huffed a sigh, Kenny was okay, God, what a relief. He closed his eyes, trying to grab at the slippery threads of understanding enough to press for more details, but felt a hand on his foot, and heard the colonel's voice again, this time the tone one of gentle reassurance, "You rest. We'll talk more later." Leo tried to thank him, but suddenly found himself too exhausted to even open his eyes.

Jed had gone to the third floor nurses station for coffee, reckoning the time spent getting down there would probably still be less than tracking things down on the surgical floor. Then he'd had to make a pot, since supplies in the middle of the night were pretty scarce. By the time he headed back towards the elevator, he met two orderlies pushing Leo's gurney out. Deciding he'd find Dr. Hester later, he followed them back to Leo's room. Leo looked small on the gurney, and there were still tubes everywhere. They must have hung new bottles of fluids, Jed knew the other ones had been getting low. He watched uneasily as they transferred Leo back into his bed, noting that someone had cleaned the room and put new sheets on since they'd gone upstairs. Leo stirred fitfully but didn't really wake as he was resettled on the bed.

Leo woke when they moved him, he thought maybe Col. Hester had topped off his pain meds, because he didn't hurt as much as he expected to. It was a little uncomfortable, but just the knowledge that no one was doing it to him on purpose helped. He lay against the sheets, promising himself he'd never take being dry and warm and clean for granted again. He felt a hand slip into his, knew by touch it was Jed. So he'd finally woken up, had he? If things had been half as close as Col. Hester had implied, his friend was going to be a basket case when he realized Leo was awake. Deciding a little diversionary tactic was in order, he summoned his voice, knowing full well he could send Jed for water if he could just get through this. Name, rank, and serial number. That ought to be enough to get Jed's attention, and the military routine would be sufficiently different from what he was used to that it should forestall any emotional outpourings. "McGarry, Leo T. Captain, USAF. 472579016." He opened his eyes to see the fear in Jed's eyes. Shit, he'd been going for a distraction, not trying to cause the anguish he could see there now. He'd never do anything to hurt Jed intentionally, and the depth of feeling he had for the man hit him all over again. "Jed." He told himself it was just that his throat was dry and ragged, but he knew his voice would have cracked with the emotion regardless.

Not the POW mantra, not back there, not after all of this. And then he heard him say it, and sure enough, when Jed looked there was a light in Leo's eyes he'd feared he might never see again and that McGarry smirk looked almost like it used to. He'd never wanted to kiss him and punch him quite simultaneously before. He settled for touching his forehead to his lover's and choking out, "Leo."

Still just too exhausted to really move, Leo pushed against Jed just enough that his friend knew all the emotion in that gesture was mutual. When Jed finally pulled back, Leo mouthed, "Water?"

Jed nodded, wiped his sleeve across his eyes, and went to find Dr. Hester. He found him at the nurses' station, pouring himself a cup of coffee. "I'm sorry, I had a cup to bring up to you, but I caught them bringing Leo down and I just wanted a minute with him."

Hester waved off the apology, "Don't worry about it. He was awake for you?"

Jed nodded, knowing his grin probably gave away more of his emotions than was strictly necessary. "He asked for some water. I just wanted to check with you to be sure that's okay."

"Sure, that's fine. Get a cup with a straw from one of the nurses. You'll probably have to hold it for him. Remind him to go slow, he hasn't had anything in his stomach for a while," Hester instructed.

Leo was dozing slightly, not really asleep, just letting himself float in this new comfort. He heard Jed return and tried to smile.

"You still want some water?" Jed asked.

Leo nodded slightly, tried to reach for the cup and didn't have the strength.

Prepared both for the attempt and the failure, Jed held it for him so Leo could get to the straw, "Here you go, I've got it for you."

For all that he was baked dry, he only got a couple sips in before even that little effort had him tired. It was enough to wet his throat, and though it hurt to talk, he found his voice. "Sorry. Can't manage on my own." His words didn't flow with the ease he expected, but rather caught and hitched. He didn't remember ever having felt this helpless, and he hated it, even with Jed.

Jed's eyes flashed in a familiar sign of emotion, "Don't you dare apologize, Leo. Don't you dare. You don't know what these last few days have been like. I'll hold your water glass for the next fifty years if that's the cost of getting you back."

Leo could tell Jed was at the end of his rope emotionally. He wondered what exactly he'd put his best friend through, but knew better than to ask yet. "You okay?" he asked.

Jed smiled, so like Leo to ask about him while literally just off his deathbed. "I'm better now that you are, but God, Leo, it was close."

Leo knew they would need to have this conversation later, when he wasn't quite so tired, and after he'd had a chance to figure things out better, but he still needed to say it now. "Jed, thank you."

Jed blinked, the emotion behind Leo's words having caught him off guard a little. He couldn't do this now, all the feelings of fear and loss were still to close to the surface. "Abbey sent me," he tried to joke. "I think she just wanted me out of the house for a while."

Leo ignored his friend's weak attempt at diversion, and moved his hand on the bed a little, hoping Jed would understand the unspoken request.

He did, of course, and covered Leo's hand with his own. Getting serious again, he went on, "Speaking of Abbey though, if you're okay on your own for a while, I need to call her and tell her you're all right."

Leo nodded, "Go."

Jed squeezed his hand gently, careful of the IV lines, and stood, "I won't be long."

Leo watched him leave, and pondered what he'd said. His friend was projecting a sense of urgency about talking to his wife that implied he'd pretty well told her to sit by the phone and wait, as it wouldn't be long. Phone calls to London weren't made trivially, and the fact that Jed had called Abbey in the middle of the night was so out of character that Leo was beginning to get a sense for how dire things must have been. He had a feeling he'd only glimpsed the edges of the situation, and he hated that he'd put Jed through that.

When Leo opened his eyes at the sound of footsteps, it was to see Col. Hester walking in, not Jed. "I just wanted to be sure you were situated." Seeing the cup of water on the tray by the bed, he offered it to Leo.

Leo tried to lean towards it, but Hester had it in position with the ease of long experience. He got another few small sips and let go of the straw. "Sir."

Hester smiled in response, "You can drop the 'sir' stuff for tonight. How are you feeling?"

Leo appreciated the permission to forego protocol, he was awfully tired, and stringing words together was hard enough. Keeping them properly framed in military parlance might be beyond his ability tonight. He took a moment to consider the question. There was some pain, but nothing like what there had been before. He was safe and home and being taken care of, so complaining seemed ungrateful. "Okay. Tired. Confused."

"Understandably. It'll be a while before you get your strength back. We're going to give you another pint of blood, and that'll help some. As far as the confusion goes, how much do you remember?" Hester asked.

Leo shook his head, he was lost as to what had been real and what had been the workings of his broken mind and he was too tired to try to sort through the difference now. "Not sure."

"It's okay," Hester reassured him. "Hard to sort out the real nightmares from the fever nightmares, eh?"

Leo nodded, grateful not to have to explain things, and impressed with the doc's understanding of the situation.

"All right, let me give you the rundown then. You were on a mission to neutralize SAM sites on Pack 6. You took fire and were going down. Somehow, you managed to destroy the target before punching out." Hester looked expectantly at Leo.

He remembered that much. He expected they'd still want to debrief him on it at some point, but right now, he just wanted to know what had happened after that. Leo wished he'd get to the rest of it. He raised his eyebrows, hoping the colonel would take the hint.

Hester caught it. "Okay, you don't have to tell me about it, but I'll tell you a lot of your guys over there are pretty impressed with your dedication to the mission." Leo rolled his eyes, and Hester continued, "It took three days before they could get in there with a RESCAP."

Leo took this in. He knew Hester was glossing over things there, he remembered Kenny bandaging his leg, he remembered a lot of blood. He remembered begging Kenny to leave him. He remembered lying under piles of leaves, waiting for Kenny to come back, hoping he wouldn't, hoping he'd gone ahead and left him, waiting for the NVA to find him, waiting to die.

Hester was still talking, "hit while they were winching you up."

Leo waved a hand to stop him, "Wait. What?"

Hester reached for him, his hand on his wrist. "You're all right to hear this?" he asked, concerned. "If you're fading on me, we can talk later."

Leo shook his head, "No sir. Go ahead."

"The NVA ambushed the rescue, and you were hit in the abdomen while they were winching you up into the chopper. They got you to Udorn for immediate treatment, and they sent you from there to Cam Ranh Bay. They decided the best thing for you was to send you home right away, and that explains how we got the pleasure of your company," Hester explained.

That wasn't the whole story, Leo knew. Guys didn't get sent home like that, that just wasn't the way it worked. Whatever it was, it would come out later, and it remained that whatever the rationale had been, he was home now, worrying too much about the how and why wasn't a smart use of his energy. He'd gone from hiding in the jungle to shuttling from one military hospital to another. All the horror and fear of the POW camp had been the infection wreaking havoc in his mind. All the torture, the drownings, the beatings, being choked, his leg being hacked on, he'd imagined it all. He had a visceral memory of rats, and he pondered how twisted his psyche had to be to have visited that particular delusion on him. The only thing worse than going through that was realizing that he'd done it to himself.

Hester looked at him like he might be waiting for a response, but seemed satisfied that Leo was content to just listen and process. "We went after the infection in your leg with some pretty high powered antibiotics, but it had a jump on us from all that time you spent on the ground over there. The intestinal repair they'd done in DaNang had failed, and the resulting peritonitis was hiding behind the leg. Your condition was pretty dicey, and I went into surgery without a lot of hope. I have to tell you son, you gave an old doctor a new belief in the stubborn hold you pilots have on life."

Leo smirked, he'd paid his dues into the fighter pilot fraternity, and he was proud to take ownership of all the personality traits they were alleged to have. "Happy to help, sir." This conversation was a lot to absorb, and he needed some time to think.

Hester put a hand on Leo's foot. "We can talk more over the next few days if you need more details. Anything we can do for you now?"

Leo felt grimy. He wanted to stand under hot water for an hour and scrape off the layers of dirt and indignity. Knowing that was out of the question at the moment, he asked for the next best thing, "Can I get cleaned up?"

"I'll have one of the nurses come in with some soap and a razor first thing in the morning," Hester answered.

The other thing he wanted was more pressing, but harder to ask for. Even so, if he wanted it out, he was going to have to ask. "Uh, sir, could you, uh," Leo looked down at his lap.

"You'd like the catheter out, would you? I wondered how long it would take you to ask," Hester chuckled. "It's going to have to stay in a little longer though. Let's wait until tomorrow morning. If things are looking good then, we'll take it out."

Leo grimaced at this news and Hester gave him a rueful smile, "I know, but humor an old man. I've put a fair bit of effort into you so far, and I'd rather not take any chances with you now."

He had no leverage in this argument and he knew it, so he conceded the point gracefully. "Understood, sir."

"Hang in there, I'll see you in a few hours. The nurses will be in to check on you, but we'll try to let you get some rest. Goodnight son."

"'Night, sir." Leo watched Hester leave and wondered where Jed was. He wanted to rest, but he'd feel better if Jed were back by his side.

Jed finished his call to Abbey, she was as relieved as he, but having told her the good news, there wasn't much else to say and she had to get to work. He poured himself another cup of coffee from the nurses' station and walked back to Leo's room. Dr. Hester was sitting in there talking, and Jed decided to give them a few minutes before interrupting. He made a circuit of the floor, stretching his legs and trying to regain some sense of equilibrium. His emotions had run the gamut tonight and trying to regain his bearings was doubtless going to take some time.

Hester caught him on his way out. "He's looking good. I'm going home to get some sleep, but I'll be by again around nine or so. He needs to rest."

Jed nodded, "Dr. Hester, sir, I don't know how to say…"

"You don't need to say anything, Mr. Bartlet. I was just doing my job," he stepped into the waiting elevator before Jed could fumble a response.

Leo eyes were shut, and Jed sat down and brushed a hand against his forehead. Leo didn't open his eyes, but Jed was rewarded as the corner of his mouth hitched upwards. "You're back," Leo mumbled.

"Right here," Jed confirmed. "Abbey says to tell you she loves you. Do you need anything?"

Leo moved his head a little on the pillow, not quite a shake, but close enough. "Stay?" he requested.

"Wild horses couldn't drag me away," Jed answered. "Go to sleep, I'm not going anywhere."

Leo relaxed, trying to let himself drift off, but in the darkness of sleep lay the nightmares of explosions and fire in the sky, and some small part of him was afraid he'd wake up to find that was the reality and this interlude had been the dream. He hovered in the hazy twilight between sleep and wakefulness, always jerking himself back just before he got deep enough for peace.

Jed sat there quietly, watching his friend drift off for a while until he realized he wasn't really letting go. Then, wordlessly, he reached up to smooth the lines from around Leo's temples and eyes, stroking short light touches over his forehead and through his hair until he felt the tension finally ease up enough he could really rest.


End file.
